


Heart in Your Hands

by kouris (darkponds)



Category: Naruto
Genre: "practical" utilization of shadow clones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Fix-It, Light D/s undertones, M/M, Panic Attacks, Porn With Plot, Post-Chapter 698, Previously titled “my heart held in your hands”, Touch-Starved, emotional codependency, mild sensory depravation, mild team 7 feels, ninja!verse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-13 15:14:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7981195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkponds/pseuds/kouris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Does it hurt?” Naruto asked him, nodding towards his missing limb.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><i>He squeezed Naruto's hand tighter. “Not so much.”</i><br/>(The war is over and Sasuke finally comes home. But Konoha wont let a missing-nin back into their midst without leashing him first. Naruto sticks by his side the whole time.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. recovery

**Author's Note:**

> sasuke and naruto have been my otp since i was 12 years old. this makes me very emotional lmao. this is technically a rewrite from the point where they blew each others arms off. in canon, that moment was beautiful but i just felt the need to add a few more beautiful moments in there if you know what i mean.
> 
> just some facts: there might be slight ooc-ness for self-indulgence purposes, but very mild. i really don't like sakura that much, but i _love_ the team 7 dynamic so there will be no sakura bashing in this fic. 
> 
> the title is a lyric from 'casey's song' by city and colour

It was easy for Naruto. For some reason he couldn't feel any pain where he’d lost an arm. There was a ghosted feeling where it should be, giving him the impression that it was truly detached from the rest of him. It wasn't his priority. He reached over, sitting up with effort he didn't know he had left in him. He took Sasuke’s hand in his. He was mirrored. Their arms. Gone. It felt so foolish now. He knew that their battle was inevitable. But this one was so much different. This one held a certain hopeful light at the end of the tunnel that this truly was the very last strain. He wasn’t going to cry. But he felt like he could, just from relief alone.

 

Sasuke wasn't going to pull his hand away from Naruto. He didn't flinch in the slightest. He just tightened his grip on Naruto’s hand with what little strength he had left.

 

“Does it hurt?” Naruto asked him, nodding towards his missing limb.

 

He squeezed Naruto's hand tighter. “Not so much.”

 

Sakura and Kakashi were coming up over the ruble that laid on the field  from their destructive ways.

 

She healed them the best that she could. Naruto's arm was blown to bits. Unrecoverable. She stopped the bleeding and sealed the wound with ease. Sasuke’s could be salvaged. But just when Sakura gave the impression that she would reattach it, he stopped her.

 

“I don't want it.”

 

She looked confused, maybe a little hurt. She didn't understand. Probably couldn't if she tried.  She opened her mouth yet no words came. She looked to Kakashi for any sign. To help her make sense of it.

 

“Leave it, Sakura.” He told her, knowingly.

 

She sighed with a bittersweet smile. Her eyes might have been watering, but it didn't matter. She had her friends back and they were alive. It was enough. Even though there was a indecipherable pang of alarm in her heart when her gaze fell on their intertwined hands. Still, it was enough.

 

It was going to be a long road to recovery. For them and everyone else who made it.

 

And Naruto hated hospitals.

 

* * *

 

The last time Naruto was in a hospital with Sasuke they ended up fighting on the roof. And not for sport. Sasuke had something to prove back then. He was just as determined as Naruto. When it came to showing what he was worth, he only seemed to take one person into account. Whether he realized it or not.

 

Shikamaru walked through the door and into the shared hospital room. It was Naruto’s request. Sasuke didn't protest. He probably didn't want to let him out of his sight again. Oddly he felt inclined to comply with Naruto's wishes, which was fairly new to him.

 

Shikamaru placed two cups of coffee on the side table. Sakura said they shouldn't have any while they're healing. But Naruto craved it just because she said he couldn't. Sasuke never cared much for it, but sipped it nonetheless.

 

He stood there in between their beds, nose twitching at the strong smell of linen and antiseptic.

 

“Hn. Haven't had this view in a while.”

 

Sasuke and Naruto couldn't help but turn their heads to look at each other.

 

“You guys are ridiculous.” He scoffed lightheartedly. He might have been laughing at them. No, he was definitely laughing at them. “Oh man, and you did it to yourselves too.”

 

They really have no room for a comment. He's not wrong. They did do this to each other. They fought, and screamed, and cried, and bled. They've handicapped each other. But Naruto wouldn't change any of it. Not a single moment of it.

 

He was about to leave and he stopped at the doorway. His expression hardened and he turned to Sasuke.

 

“It's good to see you, Sasuke.” He meant it. He really did. “But some advice; not everyone in the village  can say the same.”

 

A warning. Sasuke would be stupid to take it lightly.

 

Upon his leave, Naruto looked worried. “I hadn't thought about that.” He whispered to Sasuke as he fiddled with the sheets.

 

“It's not  your problem. Don't worry.” He stated simply.

 

“It _is_ my problem. I _am_ worried.” Naruto wasn't used to this. Neither of them were. The battle and the injuries and even the resolve had made them so open and raw. And they didn't really know what to do about that.

 

“Idiot. Nothing I can't handle.”

 

Naruto knew that. He knew Sasuke could handle it. He could handle anything. But that knowledge didn't reassure him like he wished it did.

 

* * *

 

They heal quick like always and they're out of the hospital fast and easy.

 

Sasuke insisted on living in the Uchiha  compound. He vowed to fix anything that needed to be tended to by hand and maintain it. Naruto thought it was a bad idea, because this was to _start over_ not go _backwards._ Anything that caused pain was unnecessary.

 

Naruto could almost feel how heavy Sasuke’s heart was as he stood next to him behind the yellow tape and boarded up archway.

 

He watched Sasuke go, treading lightly behind him.

 

It's all dust and cobwebs and caked up dirt. Sasuke spends a lot of time in the yards, trying to will himself to enter his childhood home. It's been so long. He looked like he struggling, forcing himself to go in. Naruto steps in front of him.

 

“Don't force if it doesn't feel right.” Naruto told him carefully.

 

Sasuke regards him with a scoff, and then flees away from his gaze. He knows he means well but it's not enough to ease his impatience. He _is_ forcing himself and he's fully aware of it.

 

 He walks inside through the main doors. He wants to be fine but Naruto always sees right through his strains.

 

He doesn't go in his or Itachi's bedroom. It doesn't feel like he's supposed to. He's back here but he still wants to lock it all away.

 

He's walking through the home when suddenly it sneaks up on him. He can still see feint bloodstains on the hardwood flooring. This is where it happened, and he hasn't looked at it since.

 

He drops down to his knees, fingertips dragging across the stains. His chest is tight and he can't tell if it's the beginning of a cry.

 

Naruto crowds in behind him. His chin resting on his shoulder and his only arm draping around the other. An awkward hug to say the least.

 

“Do you forgive him?” Comes the sudden whisper in Sasuke’s ear.

 

Sasuke doesn't have to think about it. “I do.” He sighs shakily.

 

They sit like that for a moment touching those horrible stains before Naruto pulls him up.

 

They leave quietly. Sasuke goes agrees to live with Naruto in his apartment just like he said he wouldn't.

 

* * *

 

They both sat in the empty council room, waiting for their former teacher and newly appointed hokage.

 

He looked at the both of them sat side by side. One arm missing from each.

 

“You two look ridiculous.”

 

Everyone seemed to be saying that lately.

 

“Hey!” Naruto stood up suddenly. “They're battle scars! We look like hardened men of war.”

 

“Please stop.” Sasuke quipped. Naruto could almost _feel_ Sasuke rolling his eyes.

 

Kakashi took a seat and he started to brief them on what to expect in the next few months. Most of it was boring. All business. War aftermaths.

 

“Sasuke,” Kakashi grabbed his attention. “The council expressed to me… Very aggressively, that they worry about your residence here in the village. Regardless of your helpful part in the war efforts.”

 

Sasuke didn't speak, he knew there was more that Kakashi had to say. He wasn't surprised by any of it.

 

Naruto found himself dejected as he wished they had their hands. Just so he could take Sasuke's in his.

 

“They've regarded my favoring of you, which I obviously do, as grounds of accusation for me dismissing any crimes that they might find you guilty of.”

 

If he had to endure any kind of imprisonment, he would surely leave before they could enforce it. Naruto knew that. Kakashi knew that. It was unspoken.

 

“So with that said, I've requested a pardon due to your assistance to the village. It was voted on. In your favor. By a landslide.”

 

Sasuke leaned back in his chair, suddenly feeling very old. “And the catch?” He questioned.  Because there was always a catch.

 

Kakashi smirked. “Supervision.”

 

“What the fuck does _that_ entail?” He spouted out.

 

“What _kind_ of supervision?” Naruto scoffed, squinting at Kakashi.

 

“ _STOP_ while you're ahead. Both of you.” He focuses on Naruto. “They've taken into account that you two will be living together in close quarters, and that has eased them. However, because of previous lapses in judgment on your part, they require a weekly inspection,” he held up air quotes on ‘inspection,’ which made Naruto's stomach suddenly  hurt.

 

“It's a check up. To make sure Sasuke stays in line.”

 

“Well they're wasting their damn time.” Sasuke told him nonchalantly. Sasuke knew he didn't need any babysitting. He didn't mind Naruto so much, that was fine. But weekly check ups? That just felt like pure ridicule. In fact he might be more stable now than he's ever been. He still had a lot to work on, but he was trying.

 

“This is excessive.” Naruto added. Normally Naruto wouldn't protest as long as he got his way. But he didn't want Sasuke to feel like the village miscreant. It's not exactly a good start.

 

Kakashi laughed at him, and both of their heads snapped up. “You're complaining? You're literally going to be with Sasuke twenty-four-seven. And it's council-ordered. This is like a wet dream for you, Naruto.”

 

For once, Naruto had nothing to say. It felt futile to protest, in fear that he might just mess this whole thing up. Sasuke noticed the flush on his face. Naruto's reaction was comforting to him  in a strange, unfamiliar way.

 

“And as for your arms, Tsunade is nearly finished with the prosthetics.”

 

For some reason, neither of them had much of a reaction to that information. Naruto didn't care about his arm. He would figure it out. Sasuke didn't care for his either. The prosthetics were insisted upon by Sakura and Tsunade.

 

“Is that all?” Sasuke asked.

 

“Yeah, that's all. You can go to your love-nest now. Expect a visit by noon tomorrow.” Kakashi cackled.

 

Naruto leaned over to mumble in Sasuke’s space. “He's enjoying this.”

 

“Of course he fucking is.”

 

"And Sasuke…” Kakashi started ominously, “this is a second chance. At everything. Don't mess it up.”

 

Sasuke liked Shikamaru’s advice better.

 

* * *

 

 

Sasuke thinks Naruto's apartment suits him perfectly. It’s organized but somehow cluttered at the same time. Like everything is its proper place, but so many of his belongings are just _unnecessary._

 

Not that it mattered to Sasuke. He didn't have that many belongings so he didn't require much room. However he didn't take the apartments setup into account. It's a single room. Bed on one side, kitchen on the other. Door to the bathroom. Privacy was obviously going to be a foreign concept in here.

 

It was already dark out and Naruto was heating some water. Sasuke sat at the small table and watched as he poured it into two cups of ramen. It was difficult to do one handed, but like everything else, he manages.

 

“When do you sleep?” Naruto asked.

 

“Rarely.” Sasuke mumbled.

 

“You ass. I meant what time?”

 

Sasuke shrugs. Naruto decides not to press further. He twirls his noodles around with his chop sticks. He just looks so… _depressed._ And Naruto is _not used_  to that. Maybe cynical, sure. Angry, yeah. Rude? Cold shoulder? Insulting? Always.

 

But this look of sadness. That's not something he wants to see.

 

“Don't look at me like that.” Sasuke hissed.

 

Naruto was taken aback, dropping his chopsticks into the cup. “Look at you like _what?”_

“Like you feel sorry for me.”

 

“I don't.”

 

It wasn't that he felt sorry for Sasuke because he _didn't._ He felt pure regret. He wanted him to be okay. Because before he ever cared about his own happiness, he wanted it for Sasuke more. Maybe if he could have shown him that, things would have turned out differently. It's hard to make him understand that he knows what he's feeling. He's been to that dark place. Feeling rejected, cast out, and alone.

 

“I don't feel sorry for you. But you're always shouldering everything by yourself. Don't you get tired of it?” He rasped. This was Naruto's way of being subtle. And he was very, very bad at it. Beating around the bush never got either of them anywhere.

 

“You're the same. Should you really be asking me that?” He retorted.

 

And he was right.

 

“I want you to be okay.” He didn't think those words would be as difficult to say as they felt. It came out without much thought, but thankfully he didn’t regret saying it. He was sure of himself.

 

Sasuke let out the loudest sigh Naruto has ever heard. “I am okay.”

 

“Are you though? This is… All so fucking weird and I just feel like you're gonna snap at any given moment.”

 

Sasuke _was_ prone to sudden outbursts and occasional maniacal laughter. But thankfully this time it was soft. Soft, reassuring laughter.

 

“I'm not gonna snap.” He's smiling. Naruto loved it when he smiled. It might be his favorite in the whole world. “I'm okay. More than I have been.”

 

“Well, good!” Naruto felt flustered now. “Now eat your damn food. I'll tie you up and force feed you. I'm so serious.”

 

“I believe you.” Sasuke rolled his eyes and forced himself to take several bites of his food.

 

Surprisingly, Sasuke didn't feel as awkward as he thought he would when he settled down into Naruto's bed.

 

He's never really slept through the night. Sometimes he doesn't sleep at all. Just rests his body while his mind stays awake. He was aware that things weren't heathy that way, but he had been so obsessive back then. His guard was always up.

 

He's trying. He's really trying to be normal again. Not that he was ever _abnormal,_ maybe just a little erratic.

 

He's tired of dreaming of Itachi when he shuts his eyes and let's his mind drift once in a while. As he closes his eyes He tries to will himself to think of something else. Anything else. Because even though he got to see his brother one last time, albeit his withering corpse-like appearance, he still feels like there is something unfinished.

 

Even though he looked him in the eyes and told him how much he loves him, there is still a hollow cold space in his heart that he can never seem to be rid of. Sometimes, rarely, he finds himself wishing that Itachi would have taken his life as well. He dreams of his small child-like self  laid out across the smooth boards of their compound next to his parents, decorated with crimson, never to wake again. But these dreams, they don't feel like nightmares. When he wakes, it feels like maybe that's how things were supposed to be. Sometimes he still wants to die. He never really cared for what happens to him after all of his intentions came to fruition.

 

There's a rustle in the blankets, and a blond head of hair is turning over in the softness of the pillows. Sasuke can see the bright shining blue of his eyes as clear as ever in the gleam of the moons light. He feels like they're 8 years old again. Back then, on the planks of the dock, Naruto's eyes felt like the most comforting thing in the world. It seems that they still haven't lost that spark from all those years ago. It dispels his thoughts of Itachi and death.

 

“I can't sleep.” Naruto whispers. He doesn't know why he whispers, it's only them.

 

“Count sheep.” He whispers back.

 

"You can't sleep either.” He smiles. “Do you get nightmares and stuff?”

 

Sasuke is _not_ going to answer that question at _all_. But he's sure the answer shows on his face.

 

“I get them too.” Naruto sighs, and his smile is gone. “About you.”

 

“What about me?” He can't help but ask.

 

“You're always dying.” He jostles the covers around a little. He might have just gotten a little closer. Sasuke can't be too sure. “You're always dying and I'm powerless. Every time… I wake up I don't  know if you’re okay, or if you…” His breath hitches. “We're hurt, or even alive.”

 

Sasuke feels guilt suddenly. Guilt that he's felt so rarely that it was easy for him to push it back down in the past. He’s hurt Naruto. Not on purpose, never on purpose. But through circumstance. Either he was trying to kill him or make him his very last priority. He's been horribly inconsistent with him and he's never regretted it more in this very moment. He doesn't want to hurt him anymore.

 

“When I started thinking about it too much… it was like  I couldn't breathe.” He scooted. Always closer. “I just can't believe that you're actually here with me…”

 

Sasuke was still silent. It was hard to talk back. Because he knew he would say something that he could never live down. It looked like Naruto was shaking. It looked like maybe it was happening now, given that Naruto's breathing seemed irregular.

 

“I'm sorry- I'm sorry I'll stop. Just- sorry.” And he's turning around and away from Sasuke.

 

Sasuke stops him. Pulls him closer. He was never one for words. Not really. He tugged at Naruto and pulled him to his chest. Naruto folded into him like it was the only thing he's ever really wanted from him.

 

Sasuke can't remember that last time he had a hug. A proper one. This felt like more than that. It pains him to think that he could have always had this. He's missed Naruto more than he ever though possible. Because No matter where he went, no matter the people he knew, no one would ever love him as much as Naruto. It was so unconditional, and even though it may have taken him forever, he's finally starting to understand why.

 

He feels a soft tremble and slight hitch of breath from Naruto.

 

“Are you crying?” He asks Naruto without ridicule.

 

“Yeah. Guess I am. A little.” Naruto laughs. He's never been more relieved in his life. Sasuke is here with him, alive and breathing and in his arms. He has his best friend back. He's never given up, but he never knew if his determination would reach a resolve. He didn't know if he would really be able to keep going, keep fighting, if Sasuke wasn't going to be  at the end of his road.

 

He is. He's here.

 

Sasuke holds him tight, pressing his chest against him, his only arm wrapped around him  completely. It feels nice to touch Naruto. For the first time in a long time he's touching him without hurting him. There's no intent to strike or burn or injure and it's so relieving that it's come to this.

 

“I'm not leaving.” Sasuke says in his ear. “Not this time.” There's a slight painful veer in in his soft tone. Naruto is dozing, but notices and huffs out a distressed breath.

 

He means it. Naruto almost doesn't believe what he hears. But the silence that follows is somehow reassuring. Sasuke's hand running softly though his hair, is all the convincing he needs.

 

It's still taking some getting used to. He doesn't know if he'll be able to touch him like this regularly without hesitation. But he feels like Naruto needs the comfort, and he has to start somewhere.

 

They fall asleep like that. Real sleep. The kind where they don't wake up with a cold sweat and a racing heart. The kind where in the morning, you don't want to get out of bed. The kind that Naruto hoped would come every night after this one.

 

As Naruto’s consciousness ebbs away he can't help but have his last thought be a troublesome one. The thought that Sasuke could disappear again is so real in his mind. But he saves it for later. Puts it off. He'll put a lot of things off if just to have this a little longer.

 

* * *

 

It's late. And while there's two scarred up and battle worn shinobi fast asleep under a blanket, Sakura is across the village knocking on the hokage’s office door.

 

She's antsy and impatient. The relief she thought she would feel when Sasuke returned home has slowly ebbed into anxious worry over the passing hours.

 

“Come in.” Comes a muffled voice from behind the door.

 

Sakura opens the door and strides over to Kakashi’s desk, taking a place in the chair in front of him.

 

He's trifling through paperwork, stacks and stacks of it. He lifts his gaze to regard her twisted expression.

 

"Stressed?" he asks her sarcastically.

 

She doesn't waste any time. “The tapes are broken at the Uchiha compound.” She says expectantly, waiting for him to answer.

 

"So they are.” He tufts. “You should've figured they would be.”

 

She makes a small humming sound.

 

"Don't worry.” He says, finally looking up at her properly. “He's with Naruto. He's living with him for now.”

 

It doesn't ease her thoughts.

 

“They'll kill each other.” She scoffs. “Sooner or later.” She doesn't like the way the words sound when they leave her mouth.

 

“Don't jinx it.” He says, like he isn't taking her seriously.

 

“How can you think this is a good idea?” She asks him incredulously, crossing her arms.

 

He puts his pen down and leans back in his seat.

 

“I'm the last person to baby anyone. You know that.”

 

She waits for him to continue, becoming more fidgety by the second. He has that tone like she's being excessive or ridiculous.

 

“He needs to heal. Make up for all the lost time. And most importantly find his purpose. He's in limbo right now. And We _both_ know Naruto is more than capable of helping him get there.”

 

She sighs out frustrated. “I… Know. But it seems…”

 

“It seems like you're paranoid. And tired. So get some sleep and let me worry about the rest.”

 

She hates being cut off, but she could never argue with Kakashi. It's just not something she does. So she leaves his office trying to to convince herself that this is for the best.

 

It doesn't work.


	2. panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's usually when they're expecting something to be easy, that it gets complicated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part two!!! this is the first 'check up' on sasuke. it's basically just a series of questions or trick questions that are meant to test his loyalty to konoha, and his perception of those events that caused him to seek out revenge and what not. i didn't put the questions in there because that's not really the focus of the fic. it's just a means for it's development. 
> 
> i've found that it's been really difficult to try and keep them in character so go easy on me ;P

 

The inspection is more like an interrogation. Her name is Ayako. She's been a council member for far too long. Her hair is pulled back into a bun so tightly that Naruto thinks it must be hurting her scalp.

 

Naruto leers in from the kitchen counter, eavesdropping.

 

Though Sasuke tells her exactly what she wants to hear, he still answers all of her questions with monotonous disinterest.

 

She can't stand him; that's clear enough.

 

“You understand that you're walking on very thin ice, I presume.” She says, tone thinned and condescending.

 

“I'm here because I care for the safety and well being of Konoha. You would do well to acknowledge that as the sole reason for these visits.”

 

He doesn't answer. Just nods.

 

Soon enough she leaves, without ever speaking a word to Naruto. When she's finally gone Naruto releases the biggest breath he's ever held.

 

“Glad that's over.” He says lightly, opting for humor. He wants Sasuke to agree, laugh about it maybe. He knows it's never quite that easy though.

 

Sasuke doesn't say a word. It's deathly silent. Seconds tick by. Naruto dares to move closer.

 

Before he can reach the table Sasuke is standing abruptly, and before Naruto can register he's knocking his empty glass off the table in rage to shatter onto the kitchen floor.

 

“Fuck! Why?! Why did you fucking do that?” Naruto gasps out.

 

He knows this is hard. He _knows_ that it's the most demeaning thing Sasuke has _ever_ had to put up with. But he couldn't understand how the sudden outburst was supposed to help.

 

Sasuke rushes past him toward the door before he can ask him again.

 

“Where are you _going?”_ Naruto pushes, more stressed than he's felt since the war.

 

“Out.” Sasuke states solidly, slamming the front door behind him.

 

“Fuck!” Naruto says again, just for the hell of it and grabs the broom.

 

* * *

 

 

Sasuke has never had to face humiliation like this is his life. He feels weaker than ever after that. And he's storming down the streets of Konoha with the noon time sun streaming down. He figures he doesn't have much time before Naruto chases after him.

 

After all that's what Naruto is best at.

 

His stroll slows as he turns his attention to one of the street vendors. He looks familiar. He must recognize Sasuke because he gives him a soft, knowing smile. It looks a little sad. Sympathetic. It makes Sasuke nauseous.

 

He's selling kunai. Small kunai. The loops and handles are obviously for a child hands. He remembers his first set. Itachi surprised him.

 

He practiced for hours on that first day. He could hardly throw them properly, but that only motivated him to continue his relentless and meticulous training.

 

The memory is bitter now.

 

He's snapped away from it at the sound of a rough voice rasping out his name loudly.

 

“How's it going, Uchiha?” Says a voice. He turns to see a former classmate of his with black hair and a crooked smile. He can't remember his name.

 

Ignoring him is too easy. He turns to walk away.

 

“Hey don't fucking walk away from me.”

 

He walks faster.

 

“Figures.” The guy scoffs, still chasing.. “Traitor _and_ a coward.”

 

There’s no one around now. Sasuke turns to scowl at him. “Do you have a death wish?”

 

“I think you're all bark and no bite.” He smiles menacingly. He wants to pick a fight that's clear. There's a part of Sasuke that wants to teach him a lesson. But he knows it's not worth it. He took a walk to cool off, not rile himself up.

 

He’s alone. Bad move.

 

Just when he allows his chakra to finally flare free the way it's been begging to, a blonde head of hair is running up and pushing their former classmate to the side effectively shoving him into the stone wall.

 

“Let's go, Sasuke.” He demands strongly, impatiently.

 

The boy is groaning as his form slips from the wall, revealing the slight indent in the now cracked stone.

 

Sasuke looks at him defiantly. It would be easy to go with Naruto and escape the ridicule. Sasuke never does things the easy way.

 

But he wants easy. For the first time ever in his life, he wants the easy way.

 

"Come on.” He persists more gently this time.

 

Sasuke breathes deep, willing his rage to numb down into melancholy. The new feeling of compliance rises up to the surface. Naruto's eyes are kind and waiting.

 

He goes.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The second the door closes behind them, it's a fight. Always a fight.

 

“You don't fucking get it Naruto! I can't do this! Everyone is looking at me like I'm a fucking disease! I'm not gonna stand around and take this!”

 

"So what?! You're gonna bail again? Just give up?! Sasuke, it's been two days. It's not going to be fixed overnight.”

 

Sasuke gives a laugh. Not the kind where something is funny. “Fixed? What's to be fixed, the fact that I'm a _traitor?”_ He spits the boys words back at Naruto. “That I'm such a fuck up? I don't need the standards of Konoha to dictate to me what my life should look like.”

 

He sits down at the kitchen table and crosses his arms and Naruto doesn't think he's ever heard him say so much in one breath.

 

"I know." Naruto breathes shakily. He knows Sasuke better than anyone.

 

Sasuke stares at the tile floor. “I can't Naruto.”

 

“Are you going to leave?” Naruto asks dejectedly. He's preparing himself for a yes. It’s there looming in the silence between them.

 

A beat passes. Sasuke puts him arms down to fold his hands in his lap. Naruto follows the movement, hoping it's a sort of surrender.

 

"I told you I wouldn't.”

 

He did. But he didn’t promise. I wasn’t anything like that. Not that Naruto needed him to literally promise. The words should have served as a promise in themselves.

 

“You said. But did you mean it?”

 

“Don’t fucking play mind games with me, Naruto!” And Sasuke is angry again, just when he’s managed to calm him down. He isn’t trying to mess with him; he just needs a straight answer. Preferably an answer that isn’t going to break his heart. But even Naruto can’t speak rationally sometimes and if there’s anyone that can get a rise out of him, it’s Sasuke.

 

“Oh please! You are the _king_ of _mind games._ Don’t try to turn this around like I’m fucking keeping you here against your will when you’re the one who got yourself into this mess!”

 

He regrets the words immediately. It’s too many compassionless words all in one sentence.

 

Sasuke stands and scurries to the corner where his small bag of unpacked belongings sits.

 

“Wha- What are you doing?” Naruto asks, voice shaky.

 

“I can’t fucking stay here. Sorry, I’m going back on my word.”

 

And just like that Naruto’s world shatters all over again. He can’t lose him. Not again.

 

“Sasuke, I’m sorry, Okay!? Can we just talk? Please, _normally_?!” He’s nearly desperate at this point.

 

He has his pack settled on his shoulder. “Where is my sword?” He asks Naruto in a strained tone. Like he’s forcing himself to leave here.

 

The council decided that it would be for the best if Naruto held on to any and all weapons in Sasuke’s possession until further notice. For multiple reasons, but mainly for one big reason. When they expressed their logic behind it to Naruto, it settled a fear in his heart that urged him to comply with their wishes. He hid them away for safe keeping. Not in a particularly obscure hiding place, but he knew Sasuke wouldn’t look for them.

 

“Where, Naruto?” He asks again, persistent.

 

Naruto looks at what’s in front of him. Sasuke with his bag slung over his shoulder, ready to leave. He may never come back. And all the times that he stood in place in the middle of a mission, worry settling in him is suddenly rushing back. He remembers how hard it was being so close to him, yet so far away. Knowing he was out there, but not knowing if he was happy or safe. Not knowing if he was still the Sasuke he remembered. Not knowing if he was ever coming back to him.

 

He suddenly can’t breathe deep enough. His chest feels tight, and eyes damp as he opens his mouth to speak and look at Sasuke’s hardened expression; to tell him nothing but the truth.

 

“They asked me to _Hide them.”_ He chokes on the last words, voice cracking. “They asked me to put them somewhere safe because they thought you would try to _hurt yourself.”_ The thought is so triggering and he can’t stop the tears from escaping from the corners of his eyes. He can feel himself crumbling, and there’s still not enough air. He places his hand over his heart, feeling there to make sure it won’t somehow beat out of his chest.

 

He feels dizzy, and he can’t even see straight enough to gage Sasuke’s reaction to the information.

 

“Naruto.” He barely hears.

 

His knees hit the tile floor.

 

“Naruto!” Sasuke yells, dropping his bag and rushing to him on the floor. Sasuke forces his to look up at him, pulling his face up with his only hand. “Naruto, Breathe.”

 

“I _can’t.”_ He chokes out.

 

“You _can!_ Look at me and breathe with me.” He touches his forehead to Naruto’s and breathes in deep and loud so Naruto can hear it. “Breathe.” He whispers.

 

Somehow, finally, he breathes. It’s unsteady and he’s still crying. But the hand carding through his hair is slowly making the shakes subside.

 

“I’m sorry.” He tells Sasuke. It comes out wobbly.

 

“I’m not leaving. Just… calm down, okay?” He tells him gently.

 

He can calm down. He can do that for him.

 

Minutes pass and Sasuke feels like that Naruto’s reaction was far too worrisome to go unquestioned.

 

“Does that happen a lot?” He asks.

 

Naruto looks thoughtful, them slightly embarrassed. “No.” He wipes his nose with his sleeve, looking very child-like. “Sometimes. I don’t know.”

 

Before Sasuke can think of a proper comfort for the situation, there’s a knock on the door.

 

Naruto clears his throat. “Who is it?”

 

The familiar ring of Sakura’s raspy voice speaks from the other side.

 

 They get up off the floor and Sasuke sits at the table while Naruto tries to look occupied at the counter. It was unspoken that they didn’t need her seeing them like that. “Come in!”

 

The door swings open a little too suddenly and Sakura’s knowing eyes scan the room a little too suspiciously.

 

Naruto doesn’t look at her, head still turned away. He grabs a couple plates from the cupboard. “Want a sandwich?” He asks whoever is listening.

 

Sasuke laughs lightly. Only Naruto would be hungry after something like that.

 

Sakura goes to sit at the table. “No thanks,” she says. “Just wanted to talk to you two. See how you’re healing.”

 

It’s awkward sitting there with Sasuke in utter silence for such a long time. Because it takes Naruto _way_ longer to make sandwiches with one hand.

 

He takes three trips. One for each plate.

 

“I made you one anyway.” He sniffs, sitting down next to Sakura and placing the plate in front of her.

 

She looks at Naruto’s face. She’s not stupid. She can tell when someone’s been upset or crying. She jumps the gun and turns to Sasuke.

 

“What did you do?” She asks Sasuke sternly but quietly.

 

He narrows his eyes. “I didn’t _do_ anything.” He snaps.

 

She turns her head back to Naruto so fast she could’ve gotten whip lash. “What did he do to you?” She’s angry now.

 

Naruto sighs out, exhausted from the breakdown. “Sakura, stop. He didn’t do anything.”

 

“Naruto, If he-”

 

“He _didn’t.”_ He cuts her off. “Leave it.”

 

She’s sick of everyone telling her to leave it like she isn’t a part of the team. But she can’t see a viable way to say what she thinks without it ending in a fight of sorts.

 

She looks at Naruto arm first. His amazing chakra has healed him up faster than most. She doesn’t bother to put a new bandage on once it’s cleaned up. Naruto waves his half-arm around laughing stupidly at how ‘funny’ he looks right before getting up going to the bathroom. Muttering something about how that meat might have been expired.

 

Sakura and Sasuke look down at their plates grateful they didn’t eat theirs.

 

She starts on Sasuke’s arm as soon as the bathroom door closes. She moves to touch his arm experimentally and he flinches at the touch.

 

“Stop.” She whispers. “It’ll only take a moment.”

 

He forces himself to relax as she slowly peels the bandage from around his arm. She talks as she works. It might be her only chance to get him to listen to her without Naruto around.

 

“I don’t know what happened but… I don’t want to see him like that. He’s been through enough. And I know you have too, but killing each other isn’t going to fix anything. So just… Go easy on him.”

 

Sasuke doesn’t answer her.

 

“Or I’ll fuck you up.” She adds. He only scoffs. But it gets Sakura to smile because it almost sounded like a laugh.

 

Sasuke hasn’t healed quite as quickly as Naruto has, so she takes out a new bandage for him.

 

“Just don’t…” It’s hard to decide what she wants to say to him. “Don’t shut me out.”

 

He turns his head and finally looks at her, eye to eye.

 

“I know sometimes I don’t understand you two as well as I’d like to. But I’m still your teammate.”

 

Sasuke feels like she means the words but didn’t really want to say them. There’s a struggle behind them. Her tone is faithless. She’s expecting him to ruin everything all over again.

 

“He had a panic attack.” He deadpans. He could at least _try_ to confide in her.

 

She doesn’t seem shocked by the information. “Yeah. He has those.”

 

“Since when?” He asks like he can’t understand why someone like Naruto could fall victim to something like that.

 

Sakura laughs bitterly, finishing up and latching the last bit of the bandage to Sasuke’s arm. She closes the first-aid box and stands to leave.

 

“Since you left.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Where’d she go?” Naruto asks.

 

“She left.” Sasuke shrugs.

 

He doesn’t think that there’s anything more to question. He figures if they had some kind of issue, Sasuke wouldn’t look at composed as he seemed. So he doesn’t ask about it.

 

“Does your arm feel better?” He asks Sasuke, opting for lighter conversation.

 

He shrugs again. “Yours does.”

 

It does feel better. But he wants Sasuke to feel better too. Maybe more than himself. Naruto guesses that Sasuke reads the disgruntled look on his face with ease, given the way his expression softens into slight amusement.

 

“Yeah…but.” Naruto starts but doesn’t finish

 

“I’m fine.” He reassures him.

 

He huffs out a breath and doesn’t argue.

 

* * *

 

 

They’re back in Kakashi’s office. He’s their look in on the council. Because before he’s their puppet, he’s Sasuke and Naruto’s Sensei. Everything is for the good of the village. But they come first, whether he would admit it or not.

 

“They say you’re quiet and docile, and when you do speak, you tell them everything they want to hear.”

 

Sasuke feels like he can’t win, because what exactly is he _supposed_ to do in such a situation?

 

“What did they expect?” He scoffs. “For me to pour my heart out? After they’ve practically chained me down and had this moron hide my sword?”

 

Naruto winces. He hoped it wouldn’t be brought up again.

 

“Which by the way, you chose a terrible hiding spot.”

 

Naruto knows he’s not bluffing. He did choose a terrible spot.

 

Kakashi interrupts their squabble before it can begin

 

“They’re not therapists, Sasuke. They couldn’t give a shit what’s in your heart. They want you cooperative.”

 

“No. They want to control me.”

 

Kakashi sighs. “Yeah. They do. But just for now.”

 

Sasuke huffs out a breath and Naruto takes that as his cue to take a break. He announces he has to pee and then scurries out of the office.

 

Kakashi eyes Sasuke curiously. There's a small smirk there, Sasuke can tell even through the mask.

 

“What's that look?” Kakashi questions.

 

“What look?”

 

“You look like you're worried.”

 

“What? Are _you_ gonna play therapist?” He knows that Kakashi means well, but this is just not going to work for him.

 

“You're worried about Naruto.”

 

“Am not.”

 

“Sasuke.” He says seriously, banter out the window. “It's okay. It doesn't take a genius to see how much he needs you.”

 

Sasuke tries something new. He doesn't make fun, and he doesn't argue. And he doesn't belittle. He opens his mouth to speak and can't help the slight uncharacteristic quiver in his voice. “What if… I can't be that for him?”

 

He doesn't get an answer. Just another question.

 

“Do you _want_ to be that?” Kakashi questions.

 

"I..." He starts. He doesn't know. He really can't speak up. Because Naruto makes him very weak. He opens up and shows him love and compassion and understanding. And it's so much, that it's practically painful. Because at the end of the day Sasuke doesn't feel like he deserves it.

 

Even if he did deserve it… He can't be weak. He can't let Naruto instill that weakness in him.

 

“I don't think I can.”

 

Kakashi's expression is hard and unwavering. “I think you're the _only_ one who can.”

 

He suddenly feels like he can't swallow.

 

Naruto comes back into the office and his eyes fall on Sasuke right away. The door slams shut behind him, closing off the draft from the hall. Sasuke stares as his hair flips from the push of air. He looks worried.

 

“Sasuke? What's wrong?” He says curiously.

 

He wants to make sure Sasuke is okay. Like always. He's always looking out for him.

 

“Nothing.” He stands. “Let's go.”

 

Naruto shoots him a questioning look right before waving goodbye to Kakashi.

 

* * *

 

 

Sasuke starts feeling more and more trapped as the days pass. He keeps trying to think of way to tell Naruto he wants to leave. But none of them end without breaking his heart.

 

They're sitting on the dock. Just like when they where little. It's different now. Naruto would always wander over and sit a distance away from Sasuke. Never speaking but silently understanding him.

 

They're side by side now.

 

Naruto speaks first.

 

“I heard you, you know.”

 

“Heard what?” Sasuke asks, genuinely perplexed.

 

“In Kakashi's  office.” Naruto leans his shoulder on Sasuke’s, daring him to pull away. “I know you don't want to stay.” He sniffs.

 

“I know you want to leave. And I think… It's not fair for me to hold you back.”

 

Sasuke turns to him, bewildered. He always surprises him. He never directly mentioned leaving. But here Naruto was, seeing right through him.

 

“So if you want to go, you should go. Do whatever it is that you need to do.” His words betray his heart, but it doesn’t make it any less sincere.

 

Sasuke doesn't know what he needs. Not really. He’s always been so sure of himself. He’s always had a goal. There was always and end result. But now there is nothing. Everything he had set out to do in his life was done, albeit complications. Hell, he even helped save the world along the way.

 

He thinks that maybe he wants to leave in order to find that purpose again. He’s been misguided and closed off in his life. Too many teachers have tried to tell him how to live. Too many friends have tried to show him compassion, and give him attention that he never wanted. Everyone he’s ever known has never been enough.

 

“Sasuke?” His attention snaps back up.

 

Except Naruto. Naruto is like his salvation. It’s frustrating the hell out of him to think about how long it took him to realize that. He curses himself for every time he’s put a knife to Naruto’s throat. He wants to apologize for all those times. He wants to bunch up into Naruto and cry his heart out and tell him how fucking _sorry_ he is.

 

But he won’t. It hurts too much to have to admit it. He has a feeling deep down in his heart that Naruto knows how sorry he is. He just hopes that feeling is right.

 

“Sasuke, you’re spacing. Just be honest with me.” Naruto’s eyes are scanning him with worry, waiting for an answer. Any answer.

 

“I do want to leave.” He isn’t finished but Naruto’s face falls into dejection before he can form the words. “I want to leave, but not for a while.”

 

He looks up, lip quivering. “A while?”

 

“I’ll stay a while. I don’t have to go anywhere yet.”

 

He’ll let the dust settle. Have Konoha trust him again. Work on a few things. Then he’ll go. But not until he’s ready. Not until Naruto is ready.

 

Sasuke knows that when he finally goes, Naruto won’t follow this time. But He’ll come home to him. It’s the only home he knows.

 

“But I’ll come back.” He swears. “I’ll always come back.”

 

Naruto nods. “Okay,” He breathes shakily. “Okay.”


	3. floodgates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> domesticity suits them better than they thought it would, but they're still a little rough around the edges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this made me emo lmao. just a warning in advance; i've never seen one of them as more "dominant" than the other. but i /do/ see sasuke as someone who is way more vunerable than naruto is. naruto is open with his emotions, he's not going to hide anything or leave him guessing. if he wants to cry or laugh or confess his undying love then he probably will without hesitation. i just feel like sasuke is more sensitive and he tries really, really hard to make sure that it doesn't show. just a bit of background on how im approaching the dynamic!! 
> 
> also i wanted to mention, i've received quite a bit a trolling in the comments, (which i've removed because they're just obscene.) it's anon so i don't know who's doing it, but whoever you are could you kindly QUIT IT?? like what are you doing here? go away if you don't like what i'm writing. i mean shit, it's just fiction :o

Things seem easier after they talk on the dock. There's some mystery about what's going to happen looming in the air, but they’re not fighting. They haven’t in a while. Sasuke feels like he can relax now. But he’s still not sure what he wants. He just knows there’s no way he’ll be able to live a life _not_ being a shinobi.

 

And Naruto feels like he should make the best of the time they have before Sasuke decides to whatever it is he’s going to do.

 

He's thought about going with him if he does leave, but only as a thought. He couldn't really do it. There’s too much in Konoha that he could never leave behind.

 

But they noticed a shift in each other. There was something lingering underneath the surface. Sasuke noticed that Naruto was hyper-aware in a sense. He was constantly tense, anxiety wracking him more often than not. And Naruto noticed that Sasuke was overly-attentive. Not in a bad way. Well, kind of in a bad way. He was acting like Naruto was going to bust out into tears every second of everyday. Which sometimes he did.

 

The check-ups get easier. Ayako isn’t so rude after a few weeks. What Naruto is noticing is that Ayako and Sasuke have very similar personalities, and it sort of frightens him. She isn’t so forceful. In a way she’s starting to understand him. Not like Naruto does. But like a teacher understands an unruly student.

 

This meeting was late at night. Not their usual. They weren’t sure what time it was, but when Ayako left, Naruto had an urge to talk.

 

“Do you wanna talk?” He feels like it sounds stupid.

 

Sasuke eyes him curiously. “Talk?” He chuckles. He’s in a good mood, Naruto can tell. “Since when do we do that?”

 

Naruto smiles. They don’t. He’s right. They’ve never really exchanged too many words at a time. Maybe it’s because they’ve never really needed them. Sasuke’s eyes are glistening with something and he can’t quite tell what it is. It’s comforting though. Sometimes Naruto feels like he _is_ talking when they look at each other. Almost like he can read his mind.

 

They move around Naruto’s apartment silently. They’re moving around each other without much thought. Sasuke showers first because he’s fast. Naruto after because he likes to let the water run over him for as long as possible. He comes out to Sasuke studying a scroll that Ayako had brought him. It looks old.

 

“Naruto.” He says, without turning around to look at him.

 

Naruto flops down on his bed and says, “Hm?”

 

Naruto feels like he takes forever to put the scroll away and stride over to the bad and sit on its edge.

 

“I’ve been thinking.” Naruto waits, expression urging him to continue. “That I could join the Anbu forces.”

 

Naruto feels like the breath has been punched out of him at the words.

 

“Really?” He sounds like he can’t believe it. “I mean…” He isn’t sure if he should mention it, but he does anyway. “Wasn’t Itachi…?”

 

“He was.” Sasuke cuts him off. “I think I could…” He’s struggling with the words. “I think I could be better.”

 

Naruto knows a thing or two about the Anbu, expressed to him in confidence by Kakashi.

 

“Sasuke, the Anbu… It’s pretty brutal.” He didn’t know why he was saying this. Sasuke _is_ brutal.

 

He doesn’t respond, just laughs. Naruto laughs too. This means he’s not _really_ leaving.

 

“Ayako said I can go through the evaluation process in a month.”

 

Naruto can’t contain it. He lunges up and _hugs_ him. Really hugs him. And in the back of his mind he’s expecting Sasuke to pull away. To push him off and call him an idiot. He doesn’t. Naruto is laughing, practically choking on how happy he is. Sasuke pulls back enough to look at him. His eyes are wet.

 

“Are you gonna fucking _cry?”_ Sasuke exclaims, laughing. “Don’t you _dare_.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s your fault anyway.” A tear falls.

 

“Idiot.” He whispers, and lets Naruto fall into him, nuzzling into his neck.

  

* * *

 

 

Naruto goes on his first mission since the war one afternoon with his fully functioning, chakra fueled prosthetic. He’s ready to get back out there because he’s strong. Stronger than Sasuke ever was. Sasuke would never admit it, but he’s feeling separation anxiety. When the sun goes down, Naruto’s not there to be weird. He always gets weird and sentimental and giggly at night but there’s none of that right now.

 

He wishes there was some way to say goodnight to him as he lays his head on his side of the bed, feeling the absence of Naruto beside him.

 

He went years without him. _Years._ But now he can’t imagine being apart.

 

He barely sleeps.

 

* * *

 

Naruto comes home late at night after three whole days and Sasuke can’t stop looking at his arm. He just can’t stop staring at it. The first thing Naruto does after greeting Sasuke is take a shower. He comes out with some sleep pants on and a towel draped around his shoulders. Sasuke sees where the prosthetic connects to his limb. It looks morbid, like it isn’t supposed to be there.

 

“Does it come off?” He asks suddenly, without thinking.

 

Naruto looks up, expression soft. “Yeah… It does.”

 

Sasuke watches as Naruto goes through the process of taking it off. It takes a minute, looks complicated. It looks like it takes a lot of chakra to sync it and unsync it with your body.

 

They’ve made the same one for Sasuke. He’s been avoiding it. He doesn’t know why. It’s hard living like this, with one arm. But it’s a reminder. A reminder of what it took to get here. He doesn’t want to act like that’s nothing.

 

He didn’t ask Naruto to take it off, but he wanted him to. And Naruto did exactly that.

 

“Better?” Naruto asks genuinely.

 

Sasuke touches his shoulder. The angle is awkward. Every which way they touch is awkward nowadays. He runs his fingertips down to the end of the appendage. It’s odd for him to touch someone so much. To _be_ touched so much. But he finds himself starved. Like he’s been missing out this whole time. It feels painful to think of the days where he sat hiding out all alone, with no one there to console him.

 

He’s never been physical with anyone, not really. But he’s _not_ shy, and he’s never hesitant when there’s something that he wants. He’s isn’t going to hold back from feeding his curiosity. But he’s still hesitant, because it’s Naruto. His touch wavers slightly and he starts to pulls away.

 

Naruto knows what’s buzzing around in that fucked up head of his. He takes Sasuke’s hand and places it on his chest where his heart is pounding hard. “It’s okay.” He says softly, like he’s sad about something. “You can touch me.”

 

But Sasuke pulls away. That’s what he’s best at. But Naruto is an expert at Sasuke. He pulls him back to him. Hand in hand. Naruto steps in and crowds him. He nuzzles in close, voice in a hesitant whisper at the shell of Sasuke’s ear.

 

“Can I touch you?”

 

Sasuke feels a shudder run through him. He wants to tell Naruto to shut the hell up and get the fuck off of him; that’s what he’s used to. But his heart tenses up. He’s being pulled in by him. His body is radiating with nervousness because that’s exactly what he wants. He wants Naruto to reach out and just _touch_ him. He wants to _feel._ For the first time in forever he wants to _connect._

 

Naruto hand smoothes over the span of his broad, toned chest. He’s careful. Sasuke hasn’t given him verbal permission yet, but he can feel the way the touch makes him tremble. The hand snakes around his back and drags him in.

 

They’re so close. Face to face, eyes half-lidded. Naruto is breathing heavy. “Sasuke…” He whispers. Just his name.

 

Sasuke can’t help the uncharacteristic sound that escapes him. It’s almost a whimper. He doesn’t want to say _yes._ He doesn’t want to say _okay._ He just wants. He’s on fire with want, and it’s caused by the one person he least expected it from.

 

He leans in just a little bit. Barely an inch. It’s a hint. A silent plea to encourage Naruto further.

 

“Yeah?” Naruto asks carefully, trying to calm himself as he tilts his head up.

 

Sasuke just nods because it’s the only way to get what he wants without saying it out loud.

 

The press of Naruto’s lips is so soft that Sasuke’s heart hurts. It’s so painfully slow. Naruto is holding back. He doesn’t want to scare him away. But there’s a fire in Sasuke that’s ignited so fast and bright that he doesn’t _want_ to hold back.

 

Sasuke presses further, folding into him. Telling him to _take._ And Naruto can’t deny him anything. He’s wanted to touch him for so long, and to have him here in his arms is making him dizzy. He parts his lips ever so slightly to test the waters, breathing hard through his nose. Sasuke is all too eager to open up for him. Naruto gasps at the feel of Sasuke’s tongue against his own.

 

Sasuke feels like he’s gaining new life through his touch. He pulls at Naruto’s hand and guides to the hem of his shirt. They pull it off together. They’re chest to chest in Naruto’s small apartment and Naruto just wants to take him apart just so he can put him back together again. He just hopes he’ll let him.

 

Naruto pushes his forcefully onto the mattress and covers his body with his own, finding his lips with a new vigor. He forces his leg in-between Sasuke’s and presses his thigh purposefully in-between his legs. Sasuke lets out a gasp like he’s never been touched in his life.

 

 _‘He probably hasn’t’_ Naruto thinks to himself. Then again, Naruto hast been either. But he doesn’t know if he wants to go that far. Not yet.

 

He dispels the thought as he grinds down with more purpose, earning a hitch in Sasuke’s breath. Sasuke’s pulling at Naruto’s sleep pants right around the waist. He wants to go there. Naruto lets him pull them off his waist and kicks them the rest of the way off with much effort.

 

He pulls back and sits up on his knees, taking in the sight of Sasuke. He’s flushed, arm laying limp. His dark hair falls over the pillow. He’s looking at Naruto with such trust in his eyes. Like he’s giving him something important. He wants to share this with him. Naruto heart swells at the sight.

 

He takes them off slow, leaving them both in their boxers. For a moment, they just look.

 

“Naruto.” Sasuke chokes out, and reaches toward him, like he’s too far away and needs him back.

 

Naruto goes back to him like he can’t believe he ever put that much distance between them in the first place. There’s only a thin layer of clothing between them now. They become desperate, rutting against each other as if the other might disappear at any moment.

 

Sasuke is pushing up against him like he’s craving more control. Naruto thinks of a compromise and flips them over, sitting up against the headboard. Sasuke is perched over him, legs spread apart.

 

It’s quiet. Naruto reaches over to flip the lamp off.

 

Sasuke brings his hand up to his face and traces all the curves of his features to the edge of his lips. Naruto breathes deep. As his eyes adjust Sasuke looks so vulnerable in his lap. His eyes are wet, tears threatening to spill over his cheeks. Everything he never let himself feel is written all over his face. All the pain he caused and all the pain he’s endured is visible in his eyes.

 

Naruto wants to protect Sasuke’s heart from it forever. He leans and kisses him softly. So softly that it’s barely there. He touches his face to find the wetness of the tears finally falling. ‘ _He needs to cry,’_ Naruto thinks.

 

Naruto pulls him in, embracing him tightly and Sasuke can hardly breathe. He lets go, allowing himself to cry into Naruto’s shoulder.

 

“I’m here.” Naruto whispers. “I’ve always been here.”

 

Sasuke lets out a wrecked sob, and Naruto can’t hold onto him tight enough.


	4. boy talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sakura is the best teammate anyone could ever ask for. you just have to hope she wont punch your lights out somewhere along the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was fun to write!! iv'e decided to throw in some of sakura's perspective. she's not in love with sasuke or naruto in this fic. because there's way too many fics like that and i just find it problematic to write a love triangle. it compromises the team as like a unit and turns it into a big drama-fest. not my cup of tea. the way sakura is acting in this fic is out of pure concern for naruto. because she's just a good friend.

Sasuke isn't sure how to act after that little breakdown of his. He isn't mentioning it, but he's thinking about it a ridiculous amount of times and it's not even noon yet. Because it's not something he can sweep under the rug. It was _real._ He let go and poured his fucking heart out. And he's never done that before with anyone.

 

The thought hurts. That Naruto might look at him differently, or treat him too gently. He doesn't want anything to change.

 

And the touch. The touch lit his insides aflame. He hadn't realized how touch starved he'd been all those years. But he wouldn't let just _anyone_ do that to him. No.

 

Of course he sort of ruined it with his emotional breakdown and Naruto's bleeding heart, at-the-ready shoulder to cry on.

 

It's Sunday. They're sitting around. Hours of the chilly morning pass and they've been silent. They haven't said a word to each other. Naruto has the window open, letting in the cold breeze. Sasuke doesn't own a _sweater_ , so he takes the liberty of getting back into bed and burying  himself in the comforter.

 

Naruto laughs as he watches him go, and his expression looks like a question.

 

_Can I?_

Sasuke takes a corner of the blanket and gently peels it over just a tiny bit. It's an invitation. Just an incredibly modest one.

 

They've been sleeping together every night. But now there's a shift. They've kissed and taken each other's clothes off. It's not just two friends sharing a bed anymore.

 

Sasuke feels the tension before Naruto even covers himself.

 

“If you're cold, close the window?” Sasuke suggests. It's pure logic.

 

“M’not cold.” Naruto mumbles.

 

“Then why are you under the blankets?” His face is blank and he asks one redundant question after another.

 

“Because you're under the blankets.” Naruto smirks.

 

“You’re such a fucking idiot.” He says tiredly and turns away from Naruto, flipping over completely.

 

He's not pushing him away, not really. This reaction that he's having is more for himself. He has to remind himself not to rely too heavily on Naruto's comforts. He won't be around forever.

 

Sasuke thinks he might have a fear in the back of his mind. Naruto spent all this time chasing him because he was out of reach. He couldn't _have_ him. But now he was here.

 

Would he still want him at the end of it all?

 

“Stop thinking about it.” Naruto says, decidedly. He sounds like he hesitated for a slight moment, like it took a lot of nerve to finally say.

 

Sasuke plays dumb as per usual. “Thinking about what?”

 

“You know.” He says irritably. “I won't say it because I know you don't want me to, but… Stop thinking about it. It's not a big deal. I mean… It is. It is a big deal but like, I'm not gonna make it a _thing.”_

 

“Stop. Just please shut _up_.”

 

Naruto rambles when he's getting nervous. They both know this. Sasuke the only one able to silence it.

 

“Sorry.” He says, biting his lip.

 

He shouldn't leave him in the dark.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Sasuke says truthfully.It's not accusatory. “But I'm glad… That it's you.”

 

“You'd do that with someone else?”  Naruto questions genuinely.

 

The covers rustle as Sasuke turns back over to face him. He wants to look him in the eyes for this one. He said he didn't want to talk about it but it looks like he was going to.

 

“The kissing or the crying?” He deadpans.

 

“…both?”

 

“No.”

 

“No what?” Naruto sighs out.

 

“No, Naruto. I wouldn't do that with anyone else. Is that what you fucking wanted to hear?”

 

Naruto is quiet for a moment. A beat passes and Sasuke feels Naruto touch his fingers. Their hands do some sort of strange shuffle until Naruto finally has Sasuke’s hand gripped firmly in his.

 

“Yeah.” He finally says.

 

:

 

Naruto _insists_ on sparring. Sakura is there and he’s glad. It makes Sasuke and him less likely to break out into an _actual_ fight. Or so he hopes.

 

They start out simple just to get back into the motion of things. They haven’t done this in a long time.

 

Sakura feels a little on edge. She’s been the referee and nothing has gone wrong so far but that doesn’t meant it _can’t._ The sun is starting to peek out from behind the dark clouds and they’ve been at it for hours. She thinks they need a break. Or someone needs to fight her instead. Whichever comes first. She has an itch she can’t scratch lately and she thinks the sparring might help.

 

“Do you two wanna take a break?”

 

“ _No.”_ They both answer at the same time through huffed breaths.

 

They didn’t want to use the prosthetics. She thought they would want to get used to them but apparently not. She doesn’t think she’s even scene Sasuke wear his at all.

 

She sighs deeply as she watches. She’s noticing Sasuke doesn’t really play fair. It’s not necessarily _un_ fair, it’s just that his blows are _too_ coordinated. It’s like he’s really trying to hurt him. These practices are for improvement of stamina, agility, speed. Not that either of them needed much improvement in those departments but they were a match for each other. They could make each other better. Maybe. If Sasuke calmed down a bit.

 

She watched as Sasuke lands a particularly powerful blow to Naruto’s center. He makes an awful noise and grabs his gut as he flies back onto the grass.

 

“What the _hell?”_ she yells without thinking about it. 

 

Sasuke swiftly turns his head to her as Naruto coughs on his way to standing upright.

 

“ _what?”_

She’s ahead of herself. What was she supposed to say, ‘you punched him too hard in punching practice’? It doesn’t make sense. Her problem is that she senses a difference between them. She can’t decide if it’s worrisome or not.

 

Naruto finally regains his composure and he leans on Sasuke, hooking his arm around the others frame. There’s a big, tired smile plastered to his face.

 

“Sakura, it’s fine,” He laughs airily. “He wins fair and square.”

 

She doesn’t answer. She ends up sparring both of them by the time night rolls around. Naruto beat her. She technically has a draw with Sasuke.

 

But for some reason, when her fist impacted with his nose, and she _knew_ it would bleed, she didn’t hold back.

 

The crack of his nose was a surprisingly satisfying sound.

 

:

 

After a while, Naruto starts to realize that Sakura is frustrated. He doesn’t know with what. He can just tell that she’s a nervous ball of energy, constantly worried. He knows what it’s like to be constantly worried. He’s been there.

 

He doesn’t talk to Sasuke about it. He goes to the Med-Center one morning before Sasuke wakes up.

 

When he finds Sakura, she’s at her desk with papers everywhere. She’s dead asleep, face smooched on the desks surface. Naruto takes the liberty of waking her, hoping she won’t hurt him in the process.

 

“Sakura.” He tries, and gently nudges her. “Saa-kuu-raa.”

 

She doesn’t yell so that’s a miracle. Her eyes flutter open and she looks confused.

 

“Fuck, did I crash here? What time is it?” She shuffles around some notebooks and loose paper, looking stressed.

 

“I need to talk to you.” He tells her. He has her attention right away because he has that serious tone of voice that always gets her attention. She worries about him. He’s the strongest person she knows. But he’s sensitive. She can’t help but keep that in mind. When there’s something he wants to talk about, she listens.

 

“I feel like… you’re mad. Not at me. But I feel like you’re mad at Sasuke. Or like – untrusting. I don’t really know how to describe it.”

 

She’s not mad. Untrusting? She doesn’t think that’s it either.

 

“Sakura… I haven’t asked you this recently but – how do you feel about him? Do you still…?”

 

He sounds so unsure. And even though he doesn’t finish his sentences, Sakura knows the end of all of them. Instead of getting serious, she goes for light-hearted. She doesn’t understand why he’s asking any of this.

 

“You wanna talk about boys?” She laughs.

 

“Well… Yes?” He smiles sheepishly.

 

She tells him to pull up the chair in the corner. They’re sitting across from each other and she feels like whatever she tells him is going to _affect_ him, so it has to be the honest truth.

“I loved Sasuke… for a really long time.” She’s doesn’t look at Naruto as she speaks. “But I think I’m really tired. Of being hurt. Because no matter how much I love him, he’s not what I need. He’s selfish, and reckless. I was too young to realize that before.”

 

“But why-”

 

“I’m bitter.” She cuts him off. “I’m just bitter. And I guess I’m expecting him to hurt you too.”

 

He doesn’t know how to answer her. He doesn’t know if he should at all. He appreciates the sentiment but if Sasuke wanted to hurt him, he would _let_ him. He’s hurt him so much, and he still can’t leave his side. Because as much hurt as he’s felt, Sasuke has felt that hurt too. Their pain mirrors the other. He doesn’t know if that something he can make Sakura understand.

 

“I think you should tell him all this.” Naruto tells her.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. He might not say anything, but I think you should get it off your chest. The best way to be with him is straightforward.”

 

She thinks for a second and supposes he’s right. It might not go well, but she doesn’t care.

 

“Okay,” She says. “Okay, maybe I will.”

 

:

 

It’s harder than she though actually because there has to be a _reason_ to bring such a thing up. She can’t just randomly start talking about her feelings in the middle of things. It’s too strange and it never ends well that way. It’s hard to keep things like this relevant for her because she’s been trying to move past it so she can focus on _herself_ and what she needs to do for her life _._ She feels better knowing the fact that Naruto is aware of how she feels about it. It doesn’t feels so bottled up anymore. But his ears aren’t the only ones that should hear it.

 

She figures the opportunity will present itself eventually and it feels too important to just forget about.

 

:

 

Naruto visited her office for a short report to pass on to Kakashi right before he announced that he was going home to take a shower. All the reports for the week are due in the next hour and she happens to notice at thirty till that Naruto neglected to sign and date it. She would forge it, but she can’t help it. She’s too honest.

 

Naruto doesn’t answer the door. After three attempts she lets herself in. There’s two prosthetics on the table. It’s quiet. Too quiet. She hears the water running from the bathroom. The door is cracked open.

 

She doesn’t know why she looks. She wishes she hadn’t.

 

She sees them there in the curtainless shower stall of the small bathroom. Water running over both of their naked forms, Naruto pinning Sasuke against the tiles of the wall, kissing him fiercely.

 

She can’t breathe. Her heart is pounding and she doesn’t think the word _shocked_ begins to cover it. So many emotions are flooding through her and all of them are unsettling.

 

She runs out undetected.

 

She breaks her own rules and forges Naruto’s signature and scrawls the date in the sloppiest penmanship she can manage. She presses too hard on the last character and the pen snaps in her hand, spattering ink on the report.

 

“Fuck!” She exclaims in frustration. She doesn’t care anymore about the stupid fucking report. She needs it out of her face and to find a worthy distraction to deter her thoughts from what she just witnessed.

 

When Kakashi takes it from her hands in his office, he shoots her a questioning expression.

 

“Don’t ask.” She deadpans, and heads into town.

 

She needs a drink.

 

:

 

She sits down at the bar and Shikamaru is there. She tries not to look at him. If he detects she’s upset he’ll try to give her vague-ass friendly advice on how the best way to self-persevere is to do nothing and let things run their course. She’s fairly certain there is _no_ advice that anyone can possibly give her in this kind of situation.

 

When the sake is placed in front of her, she shoots it down and asks for another right away. She knows you’re not supposed to shoot sake because it’s kind of classless but it’s her last concern right now.

 

Shikamaru chuckles loud enough for her to barley hear it. She turns her head to glare at him and says, “ _what?!”_

 

“Calm down, Tsunade 2.0,” He says with a smirk as he sips his drink. “What’s eating you?”

She can’t tell him. Would he even believe her?

 

“Nothing.” She tells him. She takes her drink easier the second time around.

 

“Is it Sasuke?” He asks, knowingly.

 

“No.” She dead pans. Why does everyone want to talk about boys with her? Where is Ino when she fucking needs her?

 

“Sasuke _and_ Naruto then?” He mumbles as he sips.

 

Her silence is answer enough.

 

The only thing she can think of saying without giving anything away is, “Do you know? About them?”

 

“That they have the hots for each other?” He turns to her. “I figured.”

 

“ _How_?” She sighs, exasperated.

 

“I have excellent intuition.” He smiles. “And I eavesdropped on most of their conversations in med-center.”

 

“Wow.” She says mockingly.

 

“You’re mad.” He observes. “You still like him.”

 

“I don’t.” She says honestly.

 

“You like Naruto.”

 

“No! I don’t.” She doesn’t. Not like that.

 

“Then what’s your deal?” He laughs like its nothing. Like none of this is a big deal.

 

“I saw them. In… In the fucking _shower.”_ She admits, practically cringing.

 

“Feel left out?” He teases. “Wanted to join?”

 

“Don’t be fucking crude, Shikamaru. Of course not.”

 

His face changes and he’s serious for once.

 

“Naruto can make his own decisions. He’s always known what he’s doing. I wouldn’t doubt him now.”

 

He puts down more money on the counter than necessary and leaves the bar. She watches him go.

 

And as much as she hates to admit to herself, she knows he’s right.


	5. four letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coming to terms with something is hard enough, but admitting it aloud, that is another story completely. especially for a certain, formerly diabolical uchiha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so i know it's been a long time since i've updated. I was working on other fics SORRY SORRY this ones a little short but it's leading up to some good shit man (ahem) 
> 
> So I'm officially changing this story's rating to EXPLICIT. because it's gonna be smuttier than i anticipated in the next chapter so put ur fukn fangirl seatbelts on ... and I SHOULD MENTION this will be my first like full-on smut attempt. it's gross and i'm embarrassed as hell lmao

Sasuke has always been a man of very few words. Even when you bring up a topic that genuinely interests and intrigues him, you still cannot get very much out of him. Unless you are presenting some diabolical plan of destruction or genocide, he's not good with topics.

 

Sakura is sitting across the table from him at the smallest and least frequented café in the village. Their waitress comes and sets down two steaming cups of tea. Neither of them move to thank her or pick up their tea. The tension in the air is almost palpable.

 

Sasuke is the first to speak surprisingly.

 

“I didn’t want to come.” He says solidly. “I don’t like talks.”

 

“I’m aware.” She rolls her eyes.

 

“Naruto said I should.” He mumbles.

 

“Since when do you listen to anyone?” It’s true. He never has. And no has ever really expected him to after everything that’s happened.

 

“Since now.”

 

Sakura breathes out. She wants to get this over with without getting too much into detail.

 

“I know about you and Naruto.”

 

His face doesn’t change. He doesn’t want to give her a reaction yet.

 

“He came to my office and was worried that I hate you. Because he loves you. And because he wants us to be a team, always.” She's simplifying it in the worst way, but she knows if she doesn't grab Sasuke’s attention or peak his concerns in the first two sentences, he's giving up on hearing her out. “He didn't say those words exactly, but it's clear he's emotional over it.”

 

“Do you?” He questions neutrally. It seems that it's the only part he felt needed clarification.

 

“Hate you?” She asks, like she’s surprised it would matter to him in the first place. That wasn't the point of this. The point was Naruto.

 

He nods his head once.

 

“No.” She answers immediately. “No, I don’t hate you. I think you have a lot to figure out still. And I think you’re reckless and selfish and impulsive and I think you’re going to end up hurting him.” And now she’s rambling but at least it’s the truth. At least she's getting to what she really wanted to say to him.

 

“We _are_ a team.” She tells him plainly. “We always have been. Even if the whole village thinks you're not worth it, Naruto will always stand by you.” She pauses for a moment, breathes deep. “ _I_ will always stand by you.”

 

He seems genuinely deep in thought about what she's saying to him. But he's still missing her point in what exactly she's trying to lecture him about. She's giving him support, but also simultaneously calling him reckless and selfish.

 

“What are you trying to say?” He finally questions.

 

“Just remember it.” She almost whispers. “Just remember we're always going to stand by you. No matter what. Don't throw that away. Because he needs you.”

 

He still finds himself bewildered by their loyalty to this very day. They aren't even blood related, and he'd never admit it out loud but both of them have more dedication to him than he ever wanted to acknowledge.

 

Even though at one time or another they've all tried to kill each other, quite literally, they love him. They love him like family. They _are_ his family.

 

He won’t throw it away. He can't. Because the way things are right now are _good_ for him. He knows that.  He’s trying to think of something to say. Something that isn't ‘thank you.’

 

“I…” he starts. He thinks he knows what he wants to say. “I won’t.”

 

 She raises those pink eyebrows of hers in question. She's waiting for more, for him to continue.

 

“I think that maybe I need him more than he needs me.” He laughs sounding a little defeated. He almost regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth. They're not untrue, just difficult to say. He feels a little hysterical upon confessing it. “He's stronger than I am.”

 

He doesn't know what's happened to him. He felt strong with his hatred. He felt strong when he was enraged and fueled with determination for vengeance. That all seems so foolish now. So much wasted time. It feels… wrong.

 

Naruto made him weak, he thought. Because he makes him want to feel. He makes him want to fight for something good and _pure_ and _right._ He makes him want things for himself.

 

It's not what he's used to. But he knows that no matter what kind of life he lives that Naruto will always be stronger than him. But more than that, Naruto is his strength as well.

 

Sakura is bewildered by his words and it's obvious. She's at a loss for words, so she waits for him to continue.

 

“He's… important to me.” Sasuke says out loud but almost like the words aren't for Sakura. It's like the thought is new and he's testing the weight of the words on his own lips.

 

"But Sasuke…” she bites her lip with a worried and hesitant expression. “He's in _love_ with you… can you say the same about him?”

 

He can't seem to breathe deep enough. He's not panicking but admitting it is completely different than thinking it. He thinks back to every significant thing that's ever happened to him, something he does far too often. Every hideous thing that has ever taken place, all the awful things that he's done; all of the hardship and tears and bloodstains, through all of it, Naruto never even flinched. He was going to die with him. Naruto was more ready to die than anyone could ever be when he was beside Sasuke.

 

“I can.” He finally says.

 

She doesn't say anything back. Just sips her tea and nods, looking content.

 

He follows suit.

 

* * *

 

He goes home that afternoon feeling a little unlike himself. Not completely unlike himself, but a little split open. He's nervous to see Naruto because now that he's said everything out loud, he's feeling vulnerable. It's irritating, and he's hoping it goes away soon.

 

He hopes Sakura isn't going to hold anything against him and that she also has the sense to keep everything he said to _herself_. Because he doesn't plan on letting it become common knowledge. He doesn't really think he needs to tell Naruto. He sort of hopes that Naruto already knows.

 

It's obvious that they're more than friends. They've kissed and they've touched and they've undressed to get under the warm spray of the shower together. Friends don't do that. He knows that. He’s not trying to kid himself into assuming that they could go back to being platonic. Hell, Sasuke can’t think of anytime where they were platonic. Naruto clawed his way into Sasuke’s heart practically from the moment they met.

 

He's not a child; he doesn't want to be immature about these things. He's just apprehensive because sometimes when they're together _in that way_ , all he can think about is the fact that he's a _virgin_. Which is _ridiculous_ , but it would be so much easier if Naruto acted like a virgin also. Because he is one. Sasuke knows he is. But he acts like he knows what he’s doing. He acts like he knows what he wants.

 

Which should piss Sasuke off, but if he's honest with himself it sort of just turns him on. It just makes him stupidly needy. It's nice to have someone else take the reins for once. But he would only ever let Naruto see him that way.

 

When he comes through the door Naruto is sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard. His eyes lift for a moment from the paperwork he's glancing over to greet Sasuke.

 

“Hey,” Naruto says, and goes back to reading, eyes carefully scanning the stack of paper. There's several other documents scattered on the bed and the table. He's sloppy as always, Sasuke thinks.

 

“What is all this?” He asks, taking off his coat. It’s getting easier to do so as he gets used to it.

 

“Briefing.”

 

“You're going on a mission?” He questions.

 

“Yeah, tomorrow. It might be as long as 5 days.”

 

Sasuke wants to bicker and say ‘you didn't tell me?’ But he says nothing. He sits across from him on the mattress, legs criss crossed.

 

“Sorry I didn’t tell you. I just took it today. It was sort of a last minute thing.” Naruto says ‘sorry’ lightheartedly. But Sasuke isn’t feeling lighthearted right now.

 

He tries to be conversational instead of irritated by asking what rank the mission is.

 

“It's an S-rank.” Naruto says slowly. He isn't meeting Sasuke’s eyes.

 

“You've never been on an S-rank.” Sasuke says quickly without thinking. It comes out sounding like worry.

 

“O…kay.” Naruto says looking at him like some foreign person whom he doesn't know.

 

“I mean. I mean, _can you_ go? Are you prepared?”

 

Naruto squints at him and looks entirely thrown off. “I don't know what's up with you but I'm pretty sure if we can basically save the world from all encompassing doom, then I can tackle an s-rank mission.”

 

Sasuke doesn't say anything back. He has a point.

 

Naruto takes his pointer finger and pokes him hard in the chest. “You're being weird. Is everything alright?”

 

Ah Naruto is so conveniently insightful.

 

“Oh, how did tea with Sakura go?” He smiles in anticipation. Sasuke knows how fucking bad Naruto wants them to get along with each other.

 

“It was… fine.” He settles on. “No bloody noses.” And he could have put it more eloquently but the topics weren't for sharing yet.

 

“Are you sure you're alright?”

 

He thinks he's alright. He's feeling a little raw. Like somebody poked their way into his heart and searched around until they found all of his weak spots to prod at. People caring so much about him didn't faze him before, but now he's so struck by it that it feels like a flood.

 

That's the perfect way to describe what he's feeling. It's like a flood of everything he's ever needed yet constantly denied himself of.

 

And here's Naruto sitting in front of him, looking at him with that subtle gleam in his eyes. He gets closer, always closer and reads him like an open book that he'll never want to put down. He senses the openness - the hesitance paired with it.

 

“Come here.” He says, reaching for his shoulder to pull him closer.

 

Sasuke obediently lays on the right side of him, draping his right arm over Naruto’s torso while his missing appendage nudges underneath his back.

 

They don't wear their prosthetics at home. Not if they don't have to. Sasuke has yet to use it more than once.

 

Naruto turns and scoots so they're lying face to face. Sasuke's eyes are downcast so he doesn't have to look him in the eyes.

 

“Hey…” Naruto says quietly. It makes him look up. “I'll miss you too.”

 

For some reason, his heart clenches at the words. He never thought he would miss someone. Not someone living.

 

Fingertips are underneath his jaw, gently sweeping across the smooth skin. Naruto looks indecisive.

 

“Can… can I kiss you?”

 

He's asks a lot. Always asks permission. Sasuke is sure it's because Naruto is desperate not to scare him away. But he'll say yes. He'll always say yes. He nods his head ever so slightly. Naruto wouldn't have been able to detect it if he wasn't so close.

 

When he feels that soft, decisive press of Naruto’s  mouth on his, it's like something in him quietly pulls and snaps.

 

They kiss like that, slow and soft and patient in the afternoon light that barely filters through the blinds as the sun creeps down.

 

The thought of Naruto leaving on this mission and coming back as anything less than himself, anything less than what's right here in front of him, scares the hell out of him.

 

He pulls him closer, needier than he's ever felt.

 

Naruto gives him enough to leave him on the edge of something. Something dangerous that he doesn’t know how he’ll come back from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for shortness. please tell me what you think. it's your opinions that keep me motivated to continue writing !!


	6. connect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's hard for sasuke to let himself be happy. but it doesn't seem so bad accepting a little help with said happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a direct continuation of previous chapter.  
> WARNING for: slight dub-con i guess but not in the verbal sense? more like hesitance. Idk  
> uuhh sensory deprivation for sure (that was not negotiated)  
> annnnd uh idk lots of graphic smutz yeah
> 
> i'm super embarrassed about posting this and if you need me i'll be hiding in my shame cave for the next month. peace

As the sun goes down and the dark closes in around them, neither of them bothers to turn any light on. Neither of them bothers to leave the bed. The papers are scattered and crinkled and slide off the comforter and onto the floor one by one.

 

Naruto keeps him underneath him. He can hardly keep the beat of his heart steady at the sight before him. Sasuke is leaning into his every touch, and he’d never thought someone like Sasuke would ever bend to his will. But this is so much different. He’s giving in like he’s never wanted anything else, but there’s still something there under the surface tying to scratch its way out.

 

It’s hard to properly touch and embrace him with only one hand. He leans most of his weight onto Sasuke and Sasuke’s breaths become heavy like he’s not getting enough air. For some reason that doesn’t make Naruto let up. He wants to press further and make it even more difficult for Sasuke. Because he has a sudden craving to hear words from Sasuke’s mouth. He'll take anything; he just wants to hear his voice.

 

He pulls up to look at him with kiss-swollen lips. “Sasuke…” He whispers, already breathless. “Tell me what to do. Tell me if I've gone too far.”

 

Sasuke lets out a shaky breath. He bites his lip, looking hesitant.

 

Naruto backs up enough to lean his weight to the side. They situate until they’re lying on their sides, still ridiculously close. Naruto runs his fingertips on the edge of Sasuke’s bottom lip. It's slow and intimate. It doesn't help Sasuke's shivers subside.

 

"Tell me...” Naruto's words filter out in breaths that ghost across Sasuke's lips, “Whatever you want.”

 

Sasuke visibly shudders at the words. He knows he would. He knows that Naruto would do anything for him. But being sure of himself doesn't lessen the thrill he gets from hearing it.

 

Naruto pulls his leg up to encourage him to wrap his legs up around his waist. He complies with a new found vigor.

 

Sasuke is hot with a rush of something powerful at Naruto's choice of words and it feels like he's being burned through.

 

“You'd do anything for me.” Sasuke says breathlessly before he can stop the words from leaving his mouth. He's testing him in a way with the words. But it's also like he's testing himself to see how far he'll take this. He's caving in, giving Naruto everything like a dam that breaks; foundation never truly strong enough to keep everything held together in the first place.

 

Naruto tucks his face in the crease of Sasuke's neck, mouth searching for a thundering pulse that he wants to familiarize himself with. Searching for that rush of life under his veins like it’s the only thing worth finding.

 

“I would.” He mumbles lowly against Sasuke pale skin. “Anything.” The words tumble out of his mouth like he’s wanted to say it aloud forever.

 

Sasuke practically whimpers at the very confession. He feels the ridges of Naruto's body against his. He feels Naruto's mirroring need begging to be free of the fabric confines that cover them.

 

Sasuke very carefully with heavy puffs of breath, cants up his hips to meet Naruto's purposefully. He hasn't felt this before; needy like this. Or maybe he has and he’s never had the chance to show it.

Naruto meets him in the middle and it almost feels like he can't get a handle on himself. Their mouths meet in unison and even though they've been going slow it feels like there's too much too fast. But somehow it doesn't feel like a fight for dominance, just the press of their lips.

 

But Naruto is forceful and he's still getting Sasuke to open up to him like he knows he wants to. He coxes his lips apart with a simple prod of his tongue and Sasuke's breath pours out in labored puffs like it's all he wants.

 

Naruto suddenly breaks away. “I want you so much.” He confesses.  He searches Sasuke's eyes, silently begging him to understand the words. “I don't know when it started, I couldn't tell you the day… but I can't stop thinking about it.”

 

Sasuke's eyes are half lidded, practically drunk on Naruto's attention.

 

“Thinking about what?” He pants out in a whisper. He wants to hear it.  “Tell me.”

 

“Well…” He says exasperated like he'll never be able to get it out in simple terms. “Being with you… like this. Touching you.”

 

It's quiet for a moment. Sasuke looks up into Naruto's deep blue eyes. He sees the sincerity. He sees the love, the trust, and the trueness of his words all in his gaze. As broken as they may have been, and as warped as their affections might have been in the past, they are pulled together by something that may be stronger than they thought.

 

“Then do it.” He whispers.

 

He does want it. He wants all of it. He can only hope that Naruto's touch doesn't trigger so much emotion that he really does fall apart. Because that's what it does to him. He never thought he’d be the needy type. But the way he arches into Naruto like he’s the very center of the universe proves otherwise.

 

Naruto is all over him and when his hand comes to rest on the hemline of his shirt Naruto speaks up.

 

“Can I take this off?”

 

Sasuke nods his head, feeling glad that Naruto's set a patient and tentative pace like he always has.

 

He allows Naruto to undress him. They have to sit in order to properly undress. They help each other out of their garments. They often help each other get dressed and undressed on a regular basis due to their physical deficiencies, but with no specific intent behind the action. This time it's different.

 

Even though Sasuke remembers being pinned up against the shower wall by Naruto, with nothing but the water running over their bodies, this is different.

 

“Just say if you want to stop.” Naruto voices. “Just say so, and I'll stop.”

 

Sasuke looks into the bright blue of his gaze. He doesn't want him to stop. He wants Naruto to do exactly what he said he was going to do.

 

“Don't stop.” He decides to say.

 

Naruto decorates his flesh with the hungry press of his lips and Sasuke can't help but arch into each assault. He feels like their magnets being pulled together. The tension builds in him like a wire pulled tight about to snap. He hooks his legs around Naruto's and wraps him arm tighter around his back. He forces him sideways and flips them over so he's on top of Naruto.

 

He leans down and kisses him hungrily, trying his best to maintain some sort of upper hand. But the arousal goes to his head and makes him dizzy with need. Naruto hands slowly creeps down his back side and his fingertips graze the band of his boxers. Sasuke pulls back, breathing shakily. He tries to manage a nod. Naruto catches the hint and reaches underneath the fabric, grabbing his ass with no hesitation. His movements are confident; it makes Sasuke fall forward into him further and scoot into his grasp.

 

“How...” Sasuke starts. He wants to do this but he doesn't know how they'll manage with the lack of… well- limbs. He feels like he can't touch Naruto enough. It's painful to feel like his arm is a ghost. He wants it back for a short moment just so he can touch Naruto with it.

 

“Don't worry.” Naruto reassures him. “I have an idea.”

 

Sasuke breathes in a flurry of unsteady breaths. He doesn't know what his ideas entail. And when he says don't worry it literally has the opposite effect.

 

"I can't…” Sasuke tries to articulate but he falls short. He keeps letting the words escape him. He grabs onto Naruto's arm from across his chest, gripping tight and he can't touch him _enough._

“We can do this if you want to.” Naruto whispers hotly in his ear. “But you have to trust me.”

 

Sasuke sighs out, trying to calm his heart.

 

“Can you trust me?” He tries, petting over Sasuke’s stomach with his thumb. He's given him no space, touching him with a gentleness he hadn't known he possessed. Attempting to coax him into his grasp and to say that _yes_ and _I trust you._

Sasuke curls into him, letting his breath hit Naruto's neck. He whispers at the shell of his ear.

 

“I trust you.”

 

Naruto pulls back and gives his lips a soft kiss. The press is carful and slow. Sasuke lips move pliant against his. He lets himself get lost in the warmth of it and then Naruto is pulling back. Before Sasuke registers he seems to be starting a hand sign.

 

He doesn't question it; he just watches as well as he can in the dark with his interest peaked.

 

Suddenly there isn’t just him and Naruto. There's him and two Naruto's. He wants to be angry. He wants to open his mouth and say, ‘what the fuck do you think you're doing you fucking idiot.’ But that's not what comes out. Nothing comes out because his heart is too busy speeding up, threatening to hammer out of his chest. He's not afraid but he doesn't know what to expect. He flushes, fully self-conscious under the two pairs of eyes that glance over his body intensely.

 

He knows it's just a shadow clone. He knows. But the room feels smaller, his chest feels tighter. There's a lump that's all the sudden forming in his throat.

 

The clone moves in behind him before Sasuke can think to utter a word. He's pulled back against it, its arms hooked tight underneath Sasuke's shoulders. He stutters a bit. He doesn't understand.

 

“Naruto wait-” he cries out. And there are hands from behind him, sliding over his bare chest. The hands are somehow warm as if it we're a real living body. As if it really was a second Naruto. The hands travel over the span of smooth pale flesh, and Sasuke shivers and clenches his jaw tight.

 

“What’s wrong?” Naruto asks, hand trailing up his thigh in an attempt to soothe him. He continues up and down his thigh, reaching higher each time. “You don't like it?” He asks against his lips.

 

“I… I-” he chokes on the words.  He doesn't know. He doesn't want to think. He doesn't know what he wants to happen, he just know he's doesn't want it to end. Not yet at least. “I don't know I-”

 

Naruto shushes him. “It's okay…” he tries to tell him calmly. He can't help the slight quiver in his own voice. “It's okay if you want it. I want it too.”

 

Sasuke breathes deep and nods. He does want it. He wants everything with Naruto. Naruto moves back and pulls on one side of his boxers, his clone helping with the other side.

 

“Alright?” He asks.

 

"You don't…” he pants a little, “You don't have to ask for everything.”

 

Naruto smirks and then they're pulled the rest of the way off, and his cock is suddenly free of its confines.  Sasuke's anxiety spikes for a moments time. He feels exposed under Naruto’s gaze. Naruto senses his nervousness and tries to soothe him.

 

“It's just me.” Naruto tells him, leaning down in between his legs. He hooks his arm over one of Sasuke's legs and pushes it away, forcing him to part them. His shadow clone still holds him, chest to back. Naruto's clone rests one of his hands on Sasuke's other knee encouraging him to part his legs further.

 

He starts to feel a little overwhelmed when he feels Naruto's lips press against his thigh. It starts out soft and unsure. He looks up to gauge Sasuke’s reaction with every other kiss he plants on his skin. He moves farther up and sucks on the skin there closer to where he twitches with need.

 

Sasuke whimpers and arches his back. He's trying to squirm out of the clones hold somehow but he's held tight. He feels Naruto's clone press a warm open mouthed kiss to his neck. He practically sobs because it's too much, too much is happening. But it's somehow not enough either.

 

Naruto's mouth finds its way to his cock, standing at full attention. Sasuke can believe what he's seeing for a second because it's just obscene to see Naruto's face next to his cock like that. He’s barely touching the side of his length even though he wants to graze every inch of his skin. He finds that it’s exactly what he wants and it has him shivering slightly with the teasing gesture.

 

“Naruto…” he huffs out. There's nothing he'd really like to say besides his name. It's serves as a plead. Naruto catches the hint.

 

He wraps his hand around Sasuke's cock and slowly pumps his hand up and down making Sasuke gasp out louder than he expected as he shudders with the relief of finally being touched. Naruto wants to hear it again. He wants Sasuke to be as loud as he needs.

 

Sasuke feels Naruto's tongue in a place he's _fairly certain_ it isn't supposed to be, and it shocks him so much that he twitches and draws back away from his mouth with a whine. The clone pets his hair, pushing his long bangs out of the way attempting to comfort him in the midst of the intense sensation.

 

Naruto goes back at it with his tongue, deliberately giving soft and slow licks. Sasuke doesn't hate it. It just feels _strange._ He feels hotter than he did a moment ago. Not bad, not good, just sort of… _controlled._ Like for this moment, Naruto owns him.

 

Sasuke feels lighter with the thought, and slowly he starts to welcome it.

 

Naruto doesn't leave any room for adjusting once he's encouraged by the sound of Sasuke's voice. Sasuke's back rises in a sudden arc, face twisted into shock; mouth straining around a silent cry. He heaves for air when Naruto forces in a persistent, warm tongue, laving carefully against the sensitive walls of his insides.

 

Sasuke shudders again and again, shaking his head. It wasn’t a denial of what was being done to his body but more an inability to let go of the control he kept so close. He couldn't catch his mind up to his body, feeling overwhelmed easily as Naruto probed his way through his soft flesh. But he was still far too aware of the situation as Naruto made a mess of him.

 

Naruto lifts his head for a short moment to check and see if it alright. To see if maybe he's gone too far and it's too much for him. He can't help but _touch him_ because it's seems like it's the way to show him how much he needs him. How much it would kill him to let him go. He can see it in Sasuke's expression that he's thinking too much. He smirks with a fresh idea in his mind.

 

The clone moves his hands up to Sasuke's face and gently covers his eyes with each hand. There's feint whispers in his ear from the voice that has a hollowed likeness to Naruto’s telling him to _trust._

 

“What- what are you doing?” Sasuke's voice cracks.

 

“I won't hurt you.” Naruto shushes him, lips hovering over Sasuke's. Sasuke knows he won’t, he knows that. He delivers a small kiss to his lips, letting Sasuke feel his tongue trace along his lower lip just before gently biting down on it. Sasuke whimpers into his mouth. Not being able to see makes him wary and he starts to shake with something. It's doesn't feel bad, just different. Like Naruto is forcing him to see a side of himself he didn't know existed.

 

Naruto takes note of the quiver that rushes through Sasuke. He thinks this is something that they both need. He needs to be touched, he needs to touch Sasuke. And Sasuke doesn't need to overexert his head with frantic thoughts while doing so. He's trying to help him let go.

 

He sits back a bit, Sasuke's spread legs are in his view. He rubs the pad of his finger over that place that he just had his tongue a few moments ago. Sasuke's hips stutter when he applies slight pressure. He twists it a little, pressing in slightly, watching Sasuke carefully as he does so.

 

“Shit.” Sasuke curses. “Naruto I don’t know if I can-”

 

“You can.” He says sure of himself. He adds more pressure and the saliva from his earlier assault seems to ease his finger in. Once past the first knuckle, his finger slides all the way in and Sasuke can't help react.

 

Sasuke takes a moment and realizes Naruto is touching his insides, _and god,_ that's just too much. His pulls his finger out slightly before pushing it back in, wanting to get Sasuke used to the feeling. He doesn't get used to it. There's no way he can. He feels the slide of it _repeatedly_ , and he's far too sensitive to pretend it isn't affecting him. He tries to relax and scoot down into Naruto's grasp but he's still holding himself back. He's still thinking too much, especially now that he can't see anything.

 

Naruto goes back with a second finger to ease through, but turns out it isn't easy at all. Sasuke tenses up when he feels the larger press and chokes a little on his breath. Naruto rubs over his two fingers over his opening softly where the skin feels slippery and used from his tongue.

 

He lets his voice drift into Sasuke's ear, low and hushed, in the way he knows makes him melt on the spot. He whispers to him the way he did in the shower when he swore to himself they would go slow to work up to something that was worth everything.

 

“Come on…” he presses two fingertips back to where they can breach his body. “Let me in.”

 

Sasuke releases his tight grip on the sheets and breathes out, feeling himself relax. He wants to… he just didn't think it would be this difficult.

 

Naruto pushes in and it feels impossible again for a moment, but then something shifts and Sasuke and his composure is suddenly not as rigid as it was a moment ago. Suddenly the tension is gone and he slides in easily in one fluid motion.

 

There's a sharp intake of breath as Naruto's fingers fill him. He feels like every intrusion, Naruto is coring out a piece of his heart to make more room for himself. It feels strange with something breaching him, spreading him open like this. His mind is telling him that this is not what his body is made for, but knowing that it's Naruto's touch that brings him that unfamiliar twist in his gut has him chasing the feeling. There's something that Naruto's fingers barely touch. Something that makes him feel a strange kind of buzz through his body. He's not sure what they're doing. He's not sure what the endgame is. He's already overwhelmed, and he wants everything, but doesn't know if he can take everything.

 

Naruto tries to ease in a third finger. With little struggle he seems to push past the ring of muscle once more. Sasuke jolts at the intrusion. There's a pressure building him and he's sure he’s never felt it quite like this. But there's something scratching at the surface trying to claw its way out. He suddenly cries out as Naruto bends his fingers slightly to a new angle. He's horrified at the sound of his own desperate voice for a moment. He just wants to see Naruto. He needs to see him. He can look at him with thinking too much, he can do it.

 

“Naruto,” he pants behind the clones hands. “I can't see you. I wanna see you.” His face flushes even further at the confession.

 

Naruto softens at the words and suddenly the clone lowers his hands. Sasuke's face comes into view. Face tinged red and eyes wet with something that looks dangerously close to tears. Sasuke opens his mouth to speak. No words come out. But that's alright with Naruto. He leans forward catching his lips in a soft kiss. It soon turns searing. As soon as Sasuke feels Naruto's clone grab at his thighs, he knows he's in trouble. The clone grasps from the backs of his knees and pulls them back; forcing Sasuke to spread his legs even wider. He whines at the slight ache that it brings.

 

When he feels Naruto fingers continue their assault, he can't help but crumble a little more. Sasuke deepens the kiss, convinced that he hasn't tasted him enough. He gets past the point where he tried to convince himself he didn't need this. He pulls Naruto to him the best he can. The angle is difficult. A body behind him, a body in front of him. He's pinned in every way he can be, and he still wishes they could somehow be even closer.

 

Naruto stills his movements for a moment, feeling the desperate shift in Sasuke's demeanor. He feels the clench of Sasuke's insides against his fingers, and he feels himself throb in his pants. He’s never been this far gone before. He's never been this turned on in his life probably. But it's not about that for him.

 

He wants to connect. He wants to show Sasuke what he means to him. He's sure that he already has. But now that he has the chance to show him _physically_ , he can't back down. And it doesn't look like Sasuke is backing down either.

 

It doesn't seem like he's hesitant at all anymore. Naruto pulls his fingers free and hears him gasp at the change. His arm unhooks from around Naruto's neck and they finally break apart, leaving both of them with swollen-red lips. They gasp for air because for a while their lungs were only filled with each other’s breath.

 

Naruto is still in his boxers and Sasuke knows that he doesn't have to do much to get him out of them. He reaches down and palms over Naruto's hard and straining cock. He hisses at the contact briefly, having gone such a while without being touched at all.

 

“Sasuke…”Naruto breathes shakily, “Do you want to keep going?”

 

Sasuke blinks slowly, feeling a little drunk under Naruto's gaze. He nods evenly, “Do you?”

 

“Yes.” Naruto whispers rushed. “That's all I want.” He bows his head into Sasuke's neck, supporting his own weight the best he can. He plants an open mouthed kiss on the hollow of his neck and he bares it openly for Naruto to do whatever he pleases with it.

 

He feels Naruto's tongue dancing across his skin of his neck when he decided to pull down at the waistband of his boxers. He gets somewhere with it, getting about halfway down his knees before Naruto becomes frustrated, rises his weight off of Sasuke, and _kicks_ them the rest of the way off and to the side.

 

It occurs to them that they are both fully nude. Naruto closes in on him, letting their bodies collide. Naruto loses his concentration at the contact and the clone holding Sasuke’s legs hostage vanishes. Sasuke falls back slightly on the bed with a light thump, Naruto following him down.

 

They're crushed together. They're rutting against each other like it's the only thing they know how to do. The skin on skin is driving Naruto mad and he reaches for Sasuke's cock gripping in time with his own, barely moving his hand. Sasuke lets out a ragged gasp and arches up into Naruto's careful grasp. Sasuke pulls Naruto shoulder down, letting his black hair tickle the nape of his neck. Naruto shivers at the softness of it. Sasuke whispers in his ear.

 

“Come on,” he says breathily, “just do it.”

 

And Sasuke makes it difficult for him to _breathe_. He sucks in gulps of air like he'd been drowning this whole time, immersed in something greater than himself. He forced himself to calm, to re-center himself, to find his intention again and carry it out. He wants this to be perfect. He can't ruin this for them.  He shakes out of his apprehension and draws away from Sasuke.

 

Sasuke is about to protest but then he sees what Naruto is going for. He stands up on semi-shaky legs to stride over to the kitchen. He grabs a small container of cooking oil. Sasuke stifles a rude remark because of _course_ they have to improvise.

 

Sasuke watches and almost laughs as he watches him struggle with the cap of the bottle. Nothing is easy. Naruto stops, bottle in hand, gaze nervous. He suddenly feels out of his depth.

 

Sasuke reaches out and screws the cap off for him. Naruto follows his movements and when he sees the open palm of his hand, he understands. He pours a little. Not too much. Sasuke sits up, oil pooling in his hand. He makes eyes contact for a brief moment. He sits up a little with some effort and reaches down in between Naruto's legs. His hand wraps around Naruto rigid length, letting some of the oil drip down onto the sheets. Naruto can't help but hiss at the minimal contact. He coats him evenly, sliding his hand with a loose grip from base to tip.

 

Naruto breathes before biting his lip. Sasuke's touch is shocking against his flesh.

 

He stops him, deciding it's enough. He stills his hand and Naruto moves in to press his weight into Sasuke and capture his lips in a scorching kiss. That might be his favorite thing to do. Kissing Sasuke. Their lips touch in  slowness, yet desperation. Naruto is still trying to work out Sasuke's rough exterior even now, smoothing him into something pliable that he can hold in his arms and bend to his will.

 

He thrusts up against the cleft of Sasuke's ass and it's slippery there. He moves fluidly and every time Sasuke feels the press of his length catch close to his rim, his breath hitches in anticipation. He’s trying to move with him, arching up into Naruto. He lets a noise escape the back of his throat. He’s back to full hardness under the attentions he's receiving and he's growing impatient. He's not sure what he's exactly asking for yet but he needs _something._

 

He lifts his rear off of the mattress slightly.  He urges Naruto with his hips and grinds back. Naruto catches the hint through his ragged breaths and reaches down between them. Sasuke legs rise up over Naruto's hips and he stays like that for him, limbs shaking as he does so. The way Sasuke was staring up at him, legs wide, chest heaving makes Naruto's head swim with so much affection that he's dizzy with it.  

 

Naruto settles his weight against Sasuke using his shorter limb to somewhat brace himself against the mattress. He grabs at his cock, trying to position himself properly.

 

Sasuke cries out, feeling almost strangled, as Naruto started a slow and tight slide into him, burying himself in Sasuke's body. Sasuke feels the resistance for a brief moment before he feels completely and utterly filled. He feels impossibly stretched around him but it feels like Naruto hollowed out a space in him somewhere along the way just for this moment.

 

Sasuke's heart is careening, echoing behind his ribs as he feels Naruto shakily pull back slightly. Naruto draws out with a broken sigh leaving his kiss-swollen lips, before pushing his way back in absolute carefulness. He's sure to gage Sasuke's reaction. Sasuke is shoved up the bed and he can't help but let a brand new sob escape him. Naruto stills, checking to see if he's alright. A tear slips free from Sasuke's eye. Naruto lift his hand to catch it with his thumb.

 

“What's wrong?” He asks him softly, with gentle worry. “Does it hurt?”

 

Sasuke shakes his head, shivering. “No… it doesn't. It doesn’t hurt.”

 

It didn't. The tears made no sense; they left his eyes without permission.

 

“Keep going. Please.” He tells Naruto sincerely, while shifting his hips upwards.

 

It's the _please_ that does Naruto in. He thrusts forward once more. It's slow, there's little force behind the action. With every thrust the slide becomes easier, smoother. Sasuke lays there for a while just _taking_ it until Naruto leans down and tells him what to do.

 

“Come on,” he says, “move with me.”

 

Sasuke lets his eyes flutter shut and he finds himself trying to work for it. He meets Naruto's thrust halfway, allowing him to go deeper and they both gasp from the sheer pleasure of it.

 

They're pressed together tightly and Naruto can feel Sasuke's cock throbbing in between them against his abdomen. Sasuke lets his hand linger idly on Naruto shoulder blade, and when Naruto gives a particularly forceful thrust, he doesn't expect it. He braces himself against him, letting his fingernails dig into the flesh of his back. Naruto is urged to gather him up at the sensation of it, but it proves to be difficult.

 

He hooks his arm around Sasuke's back and pulls him up with him as he begins to sit up. Sasuke is still speared on Naruto's cock. He is lifted into his lap and Naruto's knees are planted firmly on the mattress. Sasuke hooks his arm around Naruto's neck, using his legs as leverage to meet each thrust.

 

Sasuke makes more of an effort than he planned to, and with each time their bodies meet he lets a small noise of need spill from his Lips.

 

 He chokes on his own gasp, feeling overwhelmed in the best way.

 

Sasuke's body was stretching to accommodate Naruto's  cock, and even though it feels impossible, he chases the feeling like it was all that mattered in that very moment. Naruto licks into Sasuke's mouth with a moan, driving in deep and hard, hips stuttering slightly at the sheer force of it. Sasuke feels ruptured as him insides clench around Naruto. His mouth falls open slightly, panting heavily. The cords of his neck are on display and Naruto takes it as an open invitation to ravage it. He sucks a mark right at the juncture between his neck and collar bone.

 

There was no ceasing their movement, the repetitiveness of them moving together. Hips joined, each decisive gesture gaining speed and intensity. He thrusts into Sasuke at an increasingly merciless pace, hand still gripping roughly at his backside in every attempt to ground him. He could swear he feels the vibration of Sasuke's quiet moans through the grip of his hand and the weight of his tongue on his own.

 

The tension that has seemed to build between them over the months has them beyond all reason. It's turned into desperation. With each rise and fall of Sasuke's hips it has him falling deeper into Naruto's center. His insides feel raw and abused and something about the dull ache of it is driving him mad.

 

Naruto feels the tremors wrack through Sasuke's body and start to shake. He seems to slow his pace like he can't handle it for a moment. They settle into a slow rhythm, trying to calm the race of their hearts. Sasuke's breath ghosts across Naruto's lips, mouth trembling as he brings himself down hard, fully seated. Naruto devours his mouth once more, letting his tongue press forward to assault his mouth. His thrusts are short but powerful. And Sasuke whimpers at the change of pace. He's forced to feel every inch of it as Naruto takes care in exploring his mouth.

 

Naruto feels the clench around him and curses quietly in between their mouths. Sasuke rotates his hips evenly in a circular motion and they almost lose their balance. Naruto manages to hold on to him with a tight enough grip, crushing their bodies together. Sasuke hisses out as his cock is trapped between them, constant friction bringing him closer to the edge.

 

“Naruto…” Sasuke pants, “I cant...” It's not what he means to say. Even so Naruto gets the picture.

 

He pushes Sasuke back down against the mattress, trapping him with the broader frame of his body. His thrusts are steady and even, each press holding there a little deeper each time. He has Sasuke writhing in a way that's making his senses crash in on him.

 

Sasuke stresses his limbs as they ache, he still holds his legs in place around Naruto's waist. He brings his hand up to the nape of Naruto's neck and grips the hair there tightly in his fingers. He feels himself coming undone, most sensitive parts of his body and soul laid out for Naruto to take and ravage and put back together.

 

He pushes forward, capturing Naruto's lips with his own. A small whine is clipped from the back of Naruto's throat. Sasuke can hear the desperation he feels even through the lock of their lips. Naruto's hips speed with clear intention, and he presses Sasuke down into the mattress, leaving no escape room. His body ceases under the incessant press of Naruto entering him; of his body trapping and smothering him.

 

Naruto feels the clench of Sasuke's body as he reacts to approach of his release. He wants him to feel it. Sasuke’s body ceases in sudden surrender to his desires.  He feels all of the control he thought he had slip away from as an intense feeling sweeps over him. His lips are still moving with Naruto’s and he presses back with desperation, a noise rips from his throat as he pulls tighter on blonde hair.

 

He hisses in pleasure at the constant aggressive tug of his hair between Sasuke’s fingers. Naruto thinks he can push him a little more even as he feels his own release approaching.

 

“Let go.” He whispers, completely out of breath. “Let go for me.”

 

A sob rips from him as he finally gives into his release, clinging onto Naruto as much as he physically can. He expects it to peak and ebb quickly, but he finds it to be the opposite. He feels it start in his gut and it seems to make every nerve in his body spark. Naruto slows his thrusts once more into something gentler and the feeling of impending orgasm is dulled. His body clenches weakly around Naruto and he shakes violently underneath him. His breath is shuddering in wake of the change of pace. Being so worked up, just to be slowed to a shaking mess, it feels like torture. He feels lightheaded with the approach and fade of it.

 

“Right here. I'm right here.” Naruto reaches for his trembling thigh, soothing his fingers across the skin in attempt to calm him.

 

“Please,” he cries. He’s not too proud. Not right now. Not like this, with Naruto. “Fuck, please.”

 

“Please what?” Naruto asks right into the space under his ear, letting his kiss linger there. He’s aware how far he’s taken this, but he can’t stop now, still edging him with each movement.

 

Sasuke only whines. He can't find the right words. He can't verbalize it to Naruto like he wants. It's frustrating. He wants his release badly but is hesitant to voice it.

 

“Okay?” Naruto asks in his hushed voice.

 

“Yeah.” Sasuke croaks out. Even though he might not be. It's still a go-ahead.

 

Their hearts can't seem to catch up with their bodies, and Sasuke can feel the edge of that certain something rushing up to meet him. He bites down on Naruto’s shoulder to try and hold back a cry, but it makes the other man’s rhythm falter and he thrusts a degree deeper, cock hot and full inside of him, and it ends up being a lost cause. Sasuke presses his face into the side of Naruto's neck as he finally reaches his climax, moaning still stifled where his teeth dig into the skin of Naruto's shoulder. He spills in between and can't help the satiated whimper that leaves him. His grip digs into Naruto’s ribcage and he can feel himself clench down, and a startled sound rips itself from Naruto’s throat, his hand flying back behind Sasuke's head to grasp at his hair, attempting to ground himself as his own orgasm rams into him. Sasuke pulls back to watch his face melt with it, the strength of his own climax leaving him feeling boneless and floaty, and in a distant, far-off part of his mind, he embraces that this is no fleeting attraction. This is here to stay.

Naruto's stays buried inside of him, shaking almost imperceptibly and heaving breaths, and Sasuke watches him try to and regain his train of thought before they descended into this. His own come is sticky and cooling against his stomach and the feel of Naruto softening inside of him makes his heartbeat falter. Tentatively, he lifts up to catch Naruto's lips, and hums as Naruto’s tongue slips into his mouth, no hesitation, no second thoughts.

It takes a moment to regain control or their bodies. They've overexerted them. Naruto breathes out shakily as he begins to pull away from Sasuke's body and Sasuke winces at the drag of it. Naruto rolls off of him and lets the cool air hit the both of them.

For a moment, all that can be heard is their breaths slowly calming into a standard rhythm. Naruto looks at Sasuke, just to check if he's alright. He looks content. And then Naruto notices the purple and red hues painted across the skin of Sasuke's neck and almost says ‘oops’ out loud.

Instead he says. “Sorry.”

Sasuke turns to face him after a moment, looking confused. “Sorry for what?”

“Kind of did a number on your neck.” He mumbles, face flushing.

Sasuke touches his own neck and feels the taught  rawness of the skin that Naruto bit and kissed and devoured. He should yell at him. But he'll do it later. Instead he  just leans over and kisses him again. Naruto sinks into it.

They pull apart and Sasuke nuzzles into his neck, trying to enjoy this before he has to go and do what he does best.

But they're okay. They're together. And they're the only ones in the world right now somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come inside my shame cave and tell me what u think


	7. common ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this isn't usually how it goes. they're sure of it. but it's good enough for them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically post-sex teenage shenanigans because they should be allowed to be kids for once. for fucks sake lmao

There's something about needing a shower that can't wait. And they can't wait. They try to fall asleep but Sasuke can't seem to do it. Because he's… well… _a mess._ Naruto is no better.

Naruto pulls him into the bathroom and turns on the hot spray of the shower. Sasuke is sleepy through the feeling of the warm water when he finally goes underneath.

Naruto takes the cloth that sits draped over the faucet and tries to lather it with a bar of soap. They laugh a bit when Naruto drops the soup for the second time. Sasuke doesn't protest as Naruto runs the soapy cloth down and over his pale skin. He's soft with it in his grasp. His touches are feather light as he slowly works the cloth across Sasuke overworked body. Sasuke lets Naruto take care of him. It's hard to stay still for a moment because he's getting that lump in his throat again.

Naruto just _cares_ so _much._

It's over before he knows it and when Naruto goes to wash himself Sasuke stops him.

 

He takes the cloth from Naruto's hand. “Let me.” He says.

 

Naruto gives a small smile. “Okay.”

 

He lets him.

 

* * *

 

 

Naruto has a certain glow to him. He dries his hair with a towel while they sit on the properly disheveled mattress, sheets tucked down at the foot of the bed.

 

The bedside lamp is on. The room is dim with orange light and Sasuke can't stop looking at him. Things seem… different. He finishes toweling off his hair and he looks at Sasuke with a worry defining his gaze. He looks down for a Moment, then back up, expression questioning. He scoots closer so their knees are touching.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Sasuke is the most alright he's ever been in his life.

 

“Yeah.” He smirks softly. Sasuke's figured there would be some sort of post-sex ‘where do we stand’ conversation. But they don't need that. Naruto looks relieved.

 

The room feels a little cramped. He feels like the space is too small for all of the things he's feeling. Like the room can't contain him.

 

“Let’s go outside. For a walk.” Sasuke suggests.

 

Naruto blinks. It looks like he's going to say no but then he has that look he gets when an idea filters into his head.

 

He says he knows a spot. They dress quietly. Naruto throws a sweater over his head and swings around the empty sleeve for a second. Sasuke laughs softly as he pulls on a shirt. He doesn't own anything warm. Naruto strides over to the closet and pulls out another sweater for him. He wordlessly offers it over. And when Sasuke nods they pull it over his head together. It smells distinctly like Naruto. And damn it Sasuke could swear it almost made him blush. Which is ridiculous, considering what they were doing moments ago.

 

Speaking of, he feels a little worn out still. Better after the shower, but still a little wobbly.

 

Naruto comes forward and wraps his hand around his back. Sasuke rests his chin on Naruto's shoulder and breathes out, returning the embrace.

 

Naruto’s hand creeps down and slowly runs over the span of his ass. Sasuke was going to flinch away from the touch but he doesn't for some reason. He cups it gently and lands a soft kiss to Sasuke's shoulder.

 

“I didn't hurt you, right?”

 

Sasuke laughs because he can't help it. It's such a ridiculous question. Naruto loves the sound but he also wants an answer.

 

“All those years of trying to kill each other.” He starts in. “And _now_ you're worried about my ass.”

 

It is a little funny he supposes. Maybe. He draws back, biting his lip. He still looks unsure. Sasuke can't have him look like that. He kisses him on the mouth firmly and Naruto hums into it like he was waiting for it.

 

“I'm fine, moron.” Sasuke says after pulling away. “I liked it. Might even do it with you again if you're lucky.”

 

He's just teasing. But Naruto can't help but smile when he says things like that. When he jokes. When he smiles.

 

They're not sure what time it is but they go out the front door without closing the light or locking the apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

The streets are barely lit. It must be past midnight. In this district there’s a certain hour where everyone is most definitely asleep. The walk down the stone paved roads of the village. Sasuke is partially letting him lead since Naruto apparently has a specific spot in mind.

 

It’s a little cold. Too cold for the crickets to come out and sing. They pass the south complexes and Sasuke smells the unforgiving scent of tobacco. They feel inclined to stop.

 

There past a cloud of smoke is Shikamaru, occupying a table near the front garden. He stares at them. He takes a drag and the smoke leaves his lungs evenly in the cold night air.

 

“What the hell are you two doing up?” He asks casually.

 

“What are _you_ doing up?” Naruto retorts back.

 

Sasuke would rather not engage.

 

“I’m having a drink.” He gestures to the bottle of Sake on the grated metal table. Naruto thinks Shikamaru acts way to adult for his own good. Sasuke thinks nothing at all. “Care to join?”

 

Naruto and Sasuke look at each other. Naruto shrugs at him and takes a seat. Sasuke doesn’t see the point in standing there awkwardly so he rolls his eyes at sits at the table close to Naruto.

 

Shikamaru scoots the bottle over to Naruto with a smirk. Naruto accepts it and takes a short swig.

 

“What are you two doing anyway? Up to no good?” He asks nonchalantly as Naruto passes the bottle to Sasuke. He stares at it for almost thirty seconds before taking a sip.

 

“We’re just taking a walk.” Naruto says carefully. He doesn’t want to upset Sasuke by giving too much information.

 

“You guys look unusually relaxed.” Shikamaru says. And for a moment the air seems to turn tense.

 

Sasuke places the bottle down; making sure it makes a sound when he does so.

 

His bangs fall over his eyes and he huffs a breath to blow them off to the side. “Why shouldn’t we be?” He says.

 

Shikamaru looks back and forth between them while he takes another drag before snubbing it out on the tray. He lets out a low laugh. It could be taken as endearing, which is how Naruto takes it. It can also be taken as condescending, which is how Sasuke takes it.

 

He sets it straight for them.

 

“I’m glad you two have found a common ground.” He says evenly as he pulls another cigarette from the carton. He tilts the box towards them.

 

Naruto shakes his head. He eyes Sasuke questioningly, still holding the box out. He knows they don’t smoke. The offer is for Sasuke. It’s a peace treaty of sorts. It’s an ‘I’m on your side’ gesture. It’s saying more than the offer would usually mean.

 

It’s enough. Against his better judgment, Sasuke takes one.

 

Naruto watches, shell-shocked. “You _smoke?”_

 

Shikamaru holds out a light to the end of the cigarette hanging from Sasuke’s lips.

 

“Just tonight.” He mumbles past it. It earns a soft smirk from Shikamaru.

 

They smoke in silence. Naruto thinks he gets it. Sort of. He watches as Sasuke smokes the cigarette without coughing. Like he’s done it a hundred times. Then he remembered those fire-breathing jutsus were probably a lot harsher than s _moking_.

 

“Well, I guess I shouldn’t interrupt your date any longer.” Shikamaru says.

 

“ _Date?”_ They both ask incredulously.

 

Shikamaru laughs heartily. “I’m _joking,_ you nerds.” He stands up and doesn’t take the bottle with him. It’s nearly empty now. He stretches and groans, probably heading to bed. “’Night. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

 

Naruto knows that’s not a whole lot of things on that list.

 

It's quiet for a moment and Sasuke is still smoking. Naruto watches too closely.

 

“What?” Sasuke asks. “Not going to kiss me anymore?” He says lightly as he waves the cigarette around for a moment.

 

Naruto laughs softly. “No. I like doing that.”

 

Sasuke fights the urge to smile. He puts it out and they get up and start to walk again.

 

Naruto is wondering what some of that was about. It seemed a little strange. Shikamaru has been nothing but his honest self since forever. Sasuke is a quite good at figuring people out from the get-go and not reacting to them at all. But Shikamaru seemed to get a reaction out of him.

 

“Hey…” Naruto starts. “Do you not like Shikamaru?”

 

Sasuke’s brows knit together in the dark. “It’s not that.” He admits.

 

“Then what is it?” Naruto presses further.

 

Sasuke looks like he’s trying to piece together his answer. Maybe he’s not so sure of it. He makes a humming sound. “I think… It really bothers me when people can see right through me.”

 

“You’re dumb.” Naruto says flatly. “That should be a reason to _like_ him.”

 

Sasuke disagrees but says nothing. He’s still getting used to friends. He needs more time still.

 

“Does that mean you don’t like me either?” Naruto questions jokingly.

 

“That’s different, you moron.” He says immediately.

 

“Not really. Shikamaru is actually very similar to you. The only difference is he has way less ambition. And he’s more-” Naruto stops himself.

 

Sasuke looks his way sharply. “More _what_?”

 

“Heh…Uh… nice?”

 

Sasuke hums. He supposes that’s an accurate statement. He can’t lie to himself. He knows he’s not exactly a nice person with a warm personality.

 

“Not that I _blame_ you for being a dick sometimes. But I think he wants to be your friend. You should be friends. You know with your shortage of them and all.”

 

“I think we’re friends already.” Sasuke says, sounding oddly pleased. “Maybe.”

 

Naruto smiles to himself. He smiles for every time Sasuke comes back into himself. This is the Sasuke he remembers.

 

They’re almost where they need to be. Sasuke notices that they’re nearing the front village gates. He feels a little proud that Naruto would be so rebellious. Sasuke isn’t supposed to leave the village for a few more weeks. Not until his assessment. But they’re breaking the rules tonight.

They clear the gates and the night is quiet enough to hear the leaves fall. The cherry blossoms are starting to show their color this time of year.  It looks too peaceful, Sasuke almost feels like he doesn’t deserve to look at it.

 

Naruto starts walking faster and he leads him to a stream. It’s bright there. The moon reflects off of the water perfectly and the pink and white flowers seem to have a blue glow to them. It reminds them of Sakura.

 

Naruto plops down near the stream in the cold grass and lays back. Sasuke joins him after a moment’s time. They lay like that, side by side, under the moon. The sky is littered with stars. More than Sasuke ever remembers seeing when he looked up at the sky.

 

“I wanted you to see how many stars are out.” Naruto says. Sasuke hums in response.

 

“I know you never cared much for scenery but… I just thought you might this time.”

 

“I do.” Sasuke says decidedly. Naruto makes a questioning sound, urging Sasuke to continue.

 

“I do appreciate scenery.”

 

Naruto smiles. He wishes he could hold Sasuke’s hand. But of course… they went and ruined that for themselves.

 

“Hey Sasuke if we still had our hands would you let me hold your hand right now?” He blurts out, feeling childish.

 

“No.” Sasuke deadpans.

 

“What?! Why not?”

 

“Lame.”

 

“Is not!”

 

“Is.”

 

Naruto grumbles something back that isn’t exactly words. He’s letting Sasuke push his buttons. He could just push his buttons right back if he really wanted to.

 

“So I can kiss you, and you’ll let me put my dick in your ass but I can’t hold your hand.” He says bluntly. It sounds way more vulgar coming out of his mouth than he anticipated.

 

“Can you shut the fuck up?!” Sasuke sits up and reprimands him with fiery eyes.

 

Naruto sits up too. “Can you make me?”

 

And then the argument somehow snaps in half and there nothing left to say. Sasuke raised a hand to hit him and Naruto catches his wrist.

 

“I’ll still kick your ass.” Sasuke retorts.

 

Naruto smirks, challenging him. “I’d like to see you try.”

 

Sasuke is going to pounce and tackle him into the dirt. He’s going to hit him in the face and call him a jerk. He’s going to keep throwing punches for as long as Naruto decides to throw punches.

 

That’s what he’s _going_ to do. It’s what they’re best at.

 

They stare at each other, Naruto’s calloused grip still around his wrist.

 

Sasuke lowers his hand and Naruto goes with it. And then he _does tackle_ him into the ground.

 

But it’s only to kiss the breath out of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what i'm doing or how i'm ending this story send help


	8. veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> naruto is still searching for something too, but sasuke doesn't think he has to anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's been a while. some more set up in this chapter for the eventual but very soon approaching epilogue. this fic is purely to cope with my feels. it's not very plotty, i'm going for 100% raw-ass feelings.

Naruto had told him that the mission would be around five days. The specifics were top-secret and the paperwork had been taken away before his departure. Sasuke didn’t have much information. But what he did know is that this morning is the tenth day that Naruto is gone. Kakashi brushes off his beat-around-the-bush inquiries of when to expect him back with a single word.

“Classified.”

It makes him feel weak. Just the word by itself serves as a way of cutting him off from Naruto. He tries to make his days pass without having some find of depressive episode. Shikamaru is a very good distraction for him.

He doesn’t talk too much. He talks just enough to where it doesn’t irritate Sasuke. He’s a night owl like Sasuke is. They work. They’re friends. And even though the _word_ friend is such a foreign concept to him when it isn’t pertaining to Naruto, this time it seems to click in his head.

He also figures out that smoking is addicting. The burn of the embers and the drag of smoke into his lungs gives him the slightest, smallest buzz. The first drag is similar to the rush he gets when he performs his flame jutsu’s.  And the rest of it matches how relaxed he feels when the fire is casted. He smokes with the window open, sitting on the mattress.  He feels foolish sometimes. It’s not very productive and it’s _very_ pointless. But he carries on with it even if only to pass the time.

It’s early. The sun has barely crept over the hills. The sky is still dim. He takes another drag and hugs his knees, staring out the window. They’re three levels high. He can see a lot from here. There’s a woman hanging her laundry on a wire across the way on the opposite balcony.  She stares sometimes. She's too far away for Sasuke to tell if it's a judgmental one. He's been getting less of those looks lately and it's a relief.  There’s soft music from someone downstairs, choppily practicing the instrument they seem keen on mastering. The plucks of the bachi against the sangen is clear in the air, vibrating into Sasuke’s ears, somehow relaxing him. They’re getting better.

Amongst the strings, he hears a… ribbit? He shuffles his head out the window, snubbing out his cigarette in the copper plate on the sill. He immediately notices the creature hanging on the reinforced kusari-toi.

A Toad.

“Take it quickly.” The Toad says firmly. Sasuke blinks. He sticks his tongue out and there is a note there rolled up with a string tied around it. Sasuke takes it hesitantly.

As quickly as he appeared, he poofs way.

His fingers shake a little as he pulls the string off of the note. He uncurls it with a certain controlled haste.

One word sits printed in the slanted handwriting he recognizes so easily.

_Soon._

His throat tightens. His eyes sting. It seems slightly foreboding. But the words aren’t for false reassurance. He knows if he sent it, then he really would be back soon. He hopes.

His heart isn’t in his chest. He feels like it doesn’t belong to him anymore. It’s with Naruto. Wherever he may be, Sasuke’s heart is with him. He holds it. And Sasuke trusts him to never drop it. Hurt it; fine. Scar it; he’ll get over it. But let it go? He doesn’t think he’ll come back from that.

He’ll wait for him. He’ll keep waiting.

 

* * *

 

Sasuke isn’t sure when Naruto’s idea of soon is. But now he’s truly encased in worry. It’s been 29 days, and he’s heard nothing more from him.

He sits with Shikamaru at the Nara keidai. Shikaku regards Sasuke with a long stare, but Sasuke can’t seem to read anything within it. He seems to be judgment free. But the gaze still makes him itch. They are eerily similar, he thinks, Shikamaru and his father.

They sit for hardly five minutes. Shikamaru speaks.

“What’s troubling you?”

Sasuke hums. It’s answer enough.

Shikamaru sighs deeply.

“I can offer you advice.”

“Yeah, what kind?” Sasuke retorts.

“When he does return, you should be prepared.”

Sasuke’s heart drops into his stomach at the words.

“Prepared for what? What aren’t you telling me?”

“I almost took the mission.” Shikamaru says to him, eyes dark. “I decided not to.”

“Why not?” Sasuke asks, genuinely perplexed.

Shikamaru shrugs. “Too soon.”

Sasuke nods, his meaning clicking into place. All they’ve known is violence. The fight. But the war… it made them want to breathe. To find themselves somehow. Become people again. But Naruto hasn’t taken a break yet. Not a lengthy one. It’s perhaps just now occurring to Sasuke that perhaps Naruto is not alright. Perhaps he’s struggling with something that Sasuke can’t quite see. Maybe he's distracting himself with mission after mission.

That night, his suspicious are validated. Another note comes to him via the obnoxious toad.

_Tomorrow._

That’s all it says. It’s a relief. He’s missed him so much. But the bloody fingerprints that decorate the corners of the parchment are not in any way a relief.

Blood is nothing. Blood is spilled every day. They’ve spilled each other’s countless times. But Naruto is alone. He is alone and if he isn’t bleeding, then it surely is someone else’s blood. And with Shikamaru’s words, the worry becomes real. He wishes he was already back. So he could hold him and make sure he’s all there. Make sure that every imperfect piece of his heart is still beating with the same fire that it always has.

 

* * *

 

The note never said what time. So at around 4:00 AM Sasuke springs up in bed from the rattling of the door knob. He’s always been a light sleeper.

When the door opens, the breeze gently passes Naruto’s form and into the room. He stands there for a moment staring at Sasuke before inching past the threshold and shutting it behind him quietly.

Sasuke lifts himself from the sheets and stands in front of Naruto. He can make out the lines and cuts on his face from this close. They’re all fresh. He lets his gaze fall over the bandages that cover his shoulders through the thin mesh of his shirt. He touches his face and traces a cut that runs along his jaw.

Naruto breathes out, hard and not quite steady. He lunges forward, interrupting the touch and envelopes Sasuke in a crushing embrace. And it’s such a _relief._ Sasuke can’t believe how it feels to have two arms wrap around him like that. His prosthetic is still there form the long mission and he takes full advantage, holding onto him tightly.

“I missed you.” Naruto chokes out. And maybe his knees start to buckle. Sasuke can’t tell. But he uses his strength to pull them down onto the floor, where it’s easier to show Naruto that he’ll stay with him. His head rests on Sasuke’s shoulder. He can feel the tense muscles under Naruto’s skin finally slouch and give with the comfort of finally being home.

He doesn’t ask him about anything. He just guides him to the bed. He lies down with Naruto’s head resting over his chest. Sasuke runs his fingers through his blond hair, shushing him every time his breath hitches.

It subsides into a steady pattern of even breaths. They fall asleep. Sasuke’s hand still tangled in his locks.

 

* * *

 

Time felt like dust. It collected and was swept up like it was never even there in the first place. They laid there sleeping for almost fourteen hours. But it didn't feel like all that long to Sasuke.

Naruto is gently rousing from his sleep and Sasuke makes sure to handle him gently. He wordlessly advances to the bathroom to gather some supplies to change out Naruto's bandages. By this time the sun was setting. Naruto watched the sky turn pink and orange and purple through the window. Sasuke smears some ointment across his back where there's a distinct cut across his shoulder. It looks painful.

Naruto finally speaks after hissing from the sting of it.

“You're smoking.” Naruto cranes his neck back a bit to look at Sasuke.

“What?” Sasuke asks.

“There are cigarettes here.” He picks up the brass ash tray. “You're smoking.”

Sasuke bites his lip. “Yeah.”

Naruto smirks and doesn't really answer. Not with words. He knows that means Sasuke's been hanging out with Shikamaru. It's probably a good thing.

“Are you…” Sasuke is hesitant. Naruto turns, and takes his hand. Sasuke takes a deep breath. “Are you alright?”

Naruto's blinks. His eyes are half-lidded.

“I am now.”

Sasuke scoffs, inching closer. “Are you?”

Naruto nods. He keeps nodding. He only stops as Sasuke places his hand on his face and whispers softly into his ear.

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

He doesn't believe that Naruto is okay. Not really. But he's doing everything he thinks he can. He doesn't think that Naruto needs to talk about whatever it is. So he won't ask him. Sasuke thinks he wouldn't answer him with words. All he's given him is soft lingering touches and silent gestures. He’s quiet; too quiet. And Sasuke isn't sure how long he'll let him stay that way without speaking up.

He needs something from Sasuke. But he's not voicing it. Sasuke will wait around forever until he figures it out.

They sit in the dusty chill of winter daybreak, no words passing between them. Naruto watches the embers from the cigarette flicker down onto the paved stones of the courtyard. His eyes are glazed over with a certain jaded nature that makes Sasuke vaguely worried.

“You're back.”

They both perk up at the sound of Shikamaru’s voice and Sasuke blinks at him, surprised he's even awake at this ungodly hour.

“I am.” Naruto smiles; not quite genuinely.

“You look like hell.” Shikamaru says with a chuckle around his words.

“At least you're honest.” Naruto scoffs.

They sit in silence. The rest of the village is still asleep.

 

* * *

 

He goes to Sakura. He never thought he would do such a thing, But Sakura knows Naruto in a different way than Sasuke does. He waits for a while. Kakashi passes him in the hall and regards him with a nod as a greeting, which is perfect because he doesn’t want to make small talk. That’s all everyone has done since he returned to the village is try to make small talk that somehow ends up awkward.

Sakura arrives and Sasuke thinks it’s so strange that she has an _office._ He’s never really taken her that seriously to be talking to her from one side of a desk. He’s not sure if he’s here for advice or _what._

She shuffles her hair around through her hands, looking tired, Hite-ate abandoned somewhere in the piles on paperwork that surround her.  She looks like she wasn’t cut out for this. Maybe she should be doing something else.

“Naruto’s back.” She states.

Sasuke nods, still trying to put his thoughts together.

“Shouldn’t you be honeymooning or something?”

“Shutup.” He replies automatically, narrowing his eyes.

“If you’re here instead of with him, something must be up. Did you fight?”

There’s a shift from bitter sarcasm to genuine concern in her tone. It’s his go-ahead.

“Something is… wrong with him.”

She sighs like she knows something. He perks up.

“I can’t relay what the mission entailed. But I can tell you that it wasn’t a cake-walk and that things go wrong and people die. People that probably don’t have to.”

Naruto’s heart is golden, Sasuke knows this. He’s tough but he bleeds from more than just his veins. He bleeds for others too. He still has that spark in him that wants to protect everyone. Sometimes he feels weak from it; hopeless even. He’s taking on more than he can realistically oversee. He’s hurting over it. He has to be reminded just how strong he is. Sasuke will do that for him.

He nods.

“All he needs is time.” Sakura voices. “He’s been like this before… I’ve seen it. Don’t leave him. Keep a close eye.”

It’s a worrisome thing to say.

“ _Close eye_?” He questions.

“Panic attacks.”

“…Right.”

He’s almost angry at Naruto for taking the mission in the first place. What was he trying to accomplish?

Sakura’s eyes shift for a moment; like she wants to ask him something. He waits for her to speak up. The air becomes heavy the longer she’s quiet.

“You’re assessment is next week.” She says rushed.

“It is.”

“Are you sure it’s what you want?”

“I know what I want.” He says almost defensively.

“Okay.” She says condescendingly. She doesn’t believe him. He doesn’t need to second guess himself right now. He’s shocked she can even make him second guess anything.

“What if they fail you?” She asks genuinely, peering through her bangs at his tense composure.

He hadn’t thought about that. He generally doesn’t fail anything. He has no answer for her.

“Good plan.” She says mockingly.

And he’s irritated again. He stands to leave.

“Sasuke.” She stops him at the doorway. He turns is head. “I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks.” He mumbles on his way out.

“Wait!” She yells.

“ _What?!”_

She stifles a giggle for a second, and then composes herself.

“Try sex.”

And now he is officially _done_ with this conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a bit angsty but i wanted to end it on a humorous note! let me know what you think!


	9. three words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the anbu examination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the actual exam is not in here cause you know that's not what this is about. it's about the feels. Also sorry it's been so long since i posted. bts took up all of my time but SASUNARU IS FOR LYFE so here u go i hope i haven't lost my touch

He fails the evaluation. Ayako had been there cheering for him with a silent hope in her eyes. But one person isn't enough to get the council on his side. It took him months to even win _her_ over.

As he sits in the main council building and gathers his things together, he's angry. Because it's just not fair that they thoughtlessly took everything from him, labeled him a criminal, and then when he shows compliance, they reject him. It's not right. And he's not gonna cry about but he's fucking _angry_ as all hell. He knows that Naruto was looking forward to it just as much as him and he's going to disappoint  him too.

He should have taken Sakura more seriously. He knew deep down what she meant. It was never going to matter how he carried himself for the evaluation. They never meant to pass him regardless.

It’s a different kind of anger that he's feeling over it. He’s not in a rage. He isn't violent. He’s mostly just tired. Tired and disappointed in _everything_. Ayako bursts in the room just when he's about to leave.

“Uchiha-san,” she starts abruptly. “It- It went so well I don't-”

“It obviously didn't.”He deadpans, already telling himself to forget the whole endeavor. He wants out of here. He starts to take his leave and Ayako stands in front of him, sporting a determined expression.

“You can take it again, you can-”

“No. I'm not doing that. Now please move.”

She opens her mouth to speak, she breathes in a breath as if whatever she's about to say is going to affect his decisions. He stops her while she's ahead. They've had their nice little bonding time and stories shared between them. But he didn't want it anymore. She would only be a reminder now.

“This was a waste of time. It's clearly unrealistic.”

“But you said- you said Itachi...”

“I'm not _Itachi_. We're nothing alike and I shouldn’t have to listen to a board of murder-by-proxy elders that are responsible for ruining our lives in the first place.” he says it loud enough with a huff in his voice. Loud enough for them to hear it in the examination room down the hall. “I'm sure you have _tons_ of paperwork to do on this encounter.”

She narrows her eyes. Perhaps he's finally pushed the the right buttons.

“Goodbye.” He says coldly, and strides past her.

 

* * *

 

Naruto isn't home when he gets back to the apartment. He should be home soon.

He takes a quick shower. As the water runs over him he remembers all of the reasons why he wanted to leave this village.

He thought it would be good. He would join the Anbu ranks and it would be a life for him. It would make Naruto happy and it would keep him grounded. Now he sees that he looked at it far too simply. Things like this are not black and white. Especially for someone like him.

Naruto comes through the front door looking almost more upset than Sasuke feels. He's slumping and letting out heavy sighs that make Sasuke antsy.

“Hey…” Naruto greets softly as he watches Sasuke straighten up a mess that Naruto made earlier in the day. “How did it go?”

“I didn't pass.”

It’s quiet for a moment. A short beat passes in utter silence and eye contact.

“ _How?!”_ Naruto gasps _._ “There’s no reason- you- you're literally perfect.” It's crazy how much he means it.

“Shut _up.”_ Sasuke sighs. Because of _course_ Naruto thinks he's perfect. Naruto acts like he's his fucking sun moon and stars. And that's amazing. That's lovely, but it's problematic, because he's _far_ from perfect. He’s so flawed that it's practically _painful._ And what's more is that Naruto loves him and all his flaws so much that he can't believe that Sasuke would ever be rejected.

“Sasuke we went over everything a hundred times and you're- I mean you're _overqualified_ in every area, there's-”

“They don't trust me, Naruto!” He yells. And that's the cold hard truth of it all. “They only want me here in this village if it's behind fucking bars.”

“That's not…”

“That's exactly how it is. I know it's tough for you to grasp, but they don’t _want me here._ They don’t trust me. They don't _like_ me,” yelling is not what feels right but it's happening anyway. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they want me _dead.”_

 _“I just...”_ Naruto mumbles, and he almost sounds like he's going to cry. It's not what Sasuke wants. “I just thought that…”

And Sasuke is dying to know what exactly Naruto thought. He really would. He waits in silence, mind slightly reeling with the fact that Naruto hasn't been himself since he got back. Guilt settles somewhere in the pit of his stomach because now it's about him again. And as angry as he is for himself, he still wants to put Naruto first.

It’s hard. It's _really_ hard. He's never had to do that before.

“I thought they would see past it.” Naruto decides on.

“Shikamaru is right.” He says bitterly, making Naruto perk up with concern. “Not everyone is forgiving.”

Naruto waits with that expression he makes when he's awaiting Sasuke’s fucking _point._

 _“_ But i'm tired of being sorry.” He says with finality 'I'm- I'm not sorry.”

“You're not?”

“No. I'm not. Not for any of it.”

Naruto bites his lip. It's not what he expected him to say. But somehow the words serve as the biggest relief he’s ever known. It's finally occurred to him that Sasuke wasn't doing this for himself. He was doing this for some strange form of acceptance from the village. He was doing it to become a part of them again. Essentially, he was doing it for _Naruto_. But that's not what he wants. He wants Sasuke to do it for _himself._ And the fact that he's not sorry for anything he's done in the least bit has actually put Naruto at _ease_. He worries day in and day out that this isn't enough to make Sasuke happy, that they're somehow falling short. And it's because they _are._ It’s because this _isn’t_ enough _._ And it's not that Sasuke can't be happy here with him. It’s that he could be _happier_ somewhere else.

“Okay.” Naruto says softly.

“That doesn't piss you off?” Sasuke inquires with an expectant and bitter tone.

Naruto is cracking a smile now. It’s subtle and small but its undeniable happiness. It’s a fond smile, with certain adoration in its quirk.

“No I- Im glad. Do what you _want.”_ Naruto says with sincerity. “Don't let anyone make you feel bad for it.”

“Why are you taking this so lightly?” Sasuke asks, exasperated.

 “You don’t need the anbu or anything else to prove anything. To anyone. I know what you can do.”

Naruto knows he's being especially sentimental. But Sasuke splits his fears wide open. The first sign of distress resonates in him so clearly that he feels it crushingly so. They’ve been through so much and it feels like they're still they're wasting so much of themselves for others. He feels chaotic. He feels like his ability to be so openly emotional is the only thing tethering him to Sasuke. Everyday that passes shows Naruto that the village wants to pull him closer and in turn, push Sasuke far, far away.

“But why-” Sasuke starts, but is interrupted.

“Because all I care about is that you're alright.”

Sasuke gets that feeling again where he's a dam that just can't hold water anymore. His throat tightens up and the only movement to make is closer to Naruto.

“Im sorry I – I was...” He says, slightly trembling as he lets Naruto wrap two arms around him, scolding himself silently for being so _selfish_. “I didn't even ask you-”

“I was sad.” Naruto says, knowing exactly what he's getting at.

Sasuke eyes ask why for him.

“I saw a lot. Nothing that you couldn't guess. But I- I wanted you with me. I was scared something would change while I was gone.”

Sasuke clings to him. It’s ridiculous. All of it.

“When I got back, you were still- still so unhappy being here. I wanted to run away.”

“You'd leave _me_ here?” Sasuke laughs.

“I wanted to run away with _you.”_ Naruto half-jokes.

 _“_ You’re a loser.” Sasuke mumbles into his shoulder.

“Your loser.” He hums back.

Naruto hums to himself for a moment, just enjoying the close proximity and warmth of Sasuke. He shifts his hand into jet black, soft hair. Sasuke leans in further, letting his stresses become dust in Naruto's hands. He'd let him do this forever.

“We’re getting better at this.” Naruto says lightly.

“What?”

“Talking.”

Sasuke pulls away feeling slightly mischievous. He agrees. They've  gotten better at it. But he thinks maybe they can be better at other things too.

“Let’s stop...” He suggests. He just wants to rest. He just wants to rest and know that Naruto is there with him. That he’s not leaving him. That he’s not tired of him. He wants to stay with him for as long as he possibly can.

And if Naruto woke up tommorow morning and looked at him and said, ‘lets run away,’ Sasuke wouldnt even flinch. He would run away with him in a instant.  He would go anywhewre Naruto wanted to go. Because if either of them change. If either of them become anything less that what is currently between them, sasuke doesnt think he could take it.

If anything comes betweeen just this simple embrace in the middle of Naruto’s shitty apartment, Sasuke would be torn.

He doesnt care about the rest of it, even if Naruto does. He doesnt care about staying behind and becoming a good shinobi or even a good citizen. He just wants Naruto.

He’s lost so much. He’s lost everything. Everything but this. And he’ll let himself have this. But gods help the fucker that tries to take this away from him.

He takes a long time to fall asleep that night. Naruto is tired. He falls asleep easy. Sasuke feel him rustle a bit and he wonders what he’s dreaming about. He wants to take a peek. He doesn’t think Naruto will be mad. He’s tried it a handful of times. Peeked into someone’s mind to see what they’re dreaming about. When he did it before it was to manipulate the dream of whoever the subject was. But this would just be a peek. Nothing more, nothing less.

It’s hazy at first. It feels warm, wherever it is. It’s green. The shrubbery is towering over wherever it is. Naruto is out in the grass, lying down. It seems peaceful.

Naruto sits up and looks around. He looks a little panicked. Sasuke wants to reach out and say, ‘I’m here, I’m right here.’ But it might wake Naruto up from his dream if he pipes in and he just wants to watch right now.

Someone comes out from the bushes and Sasuke clearly sees the spitting image of himself emerge from the forest. Naruto breathes out a sigh of relief and Sasuke sees himself meet Naruto halfway. They’re wrapped up in each other in an instant. Sasuke feels strange watching himself embrace Naruto fiercely and letting him take his face into his hands and kiss him aggressively like they hadn’t seen each other in _months._

As they get lost, as they slide together in some kind battle, he sees himself fading. Sasuke squints with confusion as he sees his own form crumble down into dust. Naruto arms close around nothing and then wrap around himself. It wasn’t fair. Even now when they had each other, Naruto still had fear.

A deep rooted fear exists, that maybe Sasuke isn’t staying at all. That maybe he really did get sick of everything that fast. That he’ll leave Naruto now just as easy as he left all those years ago.

He watches Naruto cry. And he wants nothing more than to cover him with soft words and sincere promises. But he doesn’t. He leaves the dream.

Naruto is still sound asleep. He doesn’t look as disturbed as Sasuke would think, given the content of his dreams. Sasuke would have to say something. Somehow, someway. He doesn’t know how he’s going to bring it up. But right now all he does is curl into Naruto. Curl in and wrap around him.

He whispers it so soft, and he’s sure it goes unheard. Three words for Naruto that he never thought he would dare utter aloud.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is most likely gonna clock in at 10 chapters and if i can't manage to do that, perhaps 12


End file.
